“Look, I can’t always be the villain,” my partner lamented, clearly frustrated after yet another episode where he had to raise his voice at our four-year-old son and send him to his room to cool off. In the midst of a significant tantrum, our son had thrown various items in a fit of rage over what seemed trivial to us but was, for him, an overwhelming source of frustration. He refused to clean up the mess he created.
Just moments later, our little one appeared before me, cheeks flushed and eyes glistening. “Mommy, I love you so much!” he said with a mischievous grin. I couldn’t resist giving him a hug in return.
“See, he always comes to you after he misbehaves,” my partner grumbled. “I need you to support me here.”
“Alright, I’ll try to be more firm,” I conceded. I understood that we needed to present a united front when it came to discipline, and with the daycare closed due to the pandemic, our parenting dynamic had become even more crucial. However, I struggled to strike the right balance between being nurturing and enforcing limits.
I grew up in an environment where discussing my childhood felt fraught. My immigrant father embraced a strict “tiger parenting” approach, ruling our family with extreme authority. I was taught that total obedience was non-negotiable and that expressing any negative emotions was selfish and unacceptable.
When my son was born, I vowed to nurture him as much as I could, ensuring he felt loved and valued every single day. I wanted him to have a joyful childhood, learn how to stand up for himself, and grow into a well-rounded adult prepared for success in any field. “I want his upbringing to be the exact opposite of mine,” I told my partner.
Caring for our son has brought me immense joy, and I delight in showering him with love and encouragement. I strive to give him autonomy in small decisions, whether it’s choosing which playground to visit or what games to play. I happily embrace the role of his “first mate” in our pirate games or his “student” when we play basketball. I’ve made it a priority to bolster his self-esteem, a concept I had long been denied in my own upbringing.
“Self-esteem — what a frivolous notion,” my father would mock when I expressed a desire to nurture that in my son, not in an inflated manner, but in a healthy way. Despite my Ivy League education and MBA, my shaky self-esteem hindered my career advancement, leading to a cycle of job-hopping throughout my 30s. It wasn’t until I made a conscious effort to recognize my abilities that I finally earned a senior leadership position.
Yet, even at my son’s most challenging moments, I found it hard to raise my voice or say anything harsh. Witnessing the shock and hurt in his eyes during the few times I did scold him shattered my heart and transported me back to a time when I felt powerless and voiceless.
I recognized that I was becoming a permissive parent. Yet, current parenting philosophies seemed to endorse my approach. At preschool, teachers preferred to “redirect” children instead of administering punishment, and even time-outs were deemed traumatic.
For the most part, our son behaved quite well for his age and only threw tantrums occasionally. But when he did lose control, it was intense, often resulting in him striking out with surprising force. A few times, after we sent him to his room to cool down, he had thrown toys and even furniture at the door. When we eventually opened the door, his room was in disarray, and he lay on his bed glaring at us.
I couldn’t help but worry. Would teachers be accommodating of his feelings once he started kindergarten? I certainly didn’t want him to exhibit “only child syndrome.” More importantly, I needed him to be prepared for a world that presents both challenges and opportunities.
I’m pleased to share that we’ve made strides as a family in recent months. While we aim to avoid yelling, we don’t punish ourselves if we lose our tempers. My partner and I are focused on staying calm and steady when intervening. We explain the consequences of our son’s actions and encourage him to reflect on and articulate his emotions once he’s composed.
Interestingly, it was our four-year-old who helped shape our approach. After a particularly intense tantrum, I noticed he remained visibly upset long after the incident. “Can you tell me what’s wrong?” I gently asked. “You seem sad.”
“It made me really sad when daddy yelled so loud,” he replied sincerely. In that instance, I had faded into the background, letting my partner take the lead.
“What would you like us to do differently when you’re misbehaving?” I asked.
“Just tell me to breathe and calm down and remind me how I emptied your bucket,” he earnestly suggested, referencing a popular children’s book that illustrates the concept of everyone having a “bucket” of happy thoughts that can be filled or emptied. I was struck by his maturity in offering such a thoughtful response, demonstrating that young children can reason in ways we might underestimate.
We’re now navigating discipline in a manner that feels effective for us — one that is both emotionally intelligent and sets healthy boundaries. My partner and I are reaching a point where we tackle discipline as a cohesive unit.
The anxiety surrounding the concept of discipline has lessened significantly for me. Perhaps my authoritarian upbringing has motivated me to be more aware of different parenting styles and their effects. My partner is relieved to be seen as the “hero” in our son’s eyes rather than the villain.
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Summary
This article discusses the author’s struggles with discipline stemming from an authoritarian upbringing. It highlights the challenges of balancing nurturing and setting limits with children, especially in light of modern parenting philosophies. The author reflects on the emotional impact of their childhood and how it influences their parenting style, leading to a journey of finding a balanced approach to discipline that fosters emotional intelligence and healthy boundaries.
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