I’ve spent hours staring at a blank document, unsure of how to express my thoughts. My day started like any other, waking up just before sunrise to change and feed my toddler. I prepared breakfast for my daughter, serving her yogurt and Cinnamon Toast Crunch, all while wearing a smile. “Good morning, sweetheart,” I said cheerfully, giving her a hug and a kiss.
Yet beneath that cheerful facade, today is not a good morning for me, nor has it been for quite some time. The truth is, I live with depression, and much of 2020 was filled with overwhelming sadness. Each day feels like a struggle to exist and to breathe. I fight for the motivation to get out of bed.
From an outsider’s perspective, you wouldn’t suspect anything is wrong. I get dressed each day, shower at night, and maintain an active lifestyle. I have several writing jobs and run over 20 miles weekly. I laugh frequently, especially at my daughter’s lively spirit and my son’s hilarious dinosaur impressions.
In essence, I don’t fit the stereotype of someone battling depression. My hair is clean, my teeth are brushed, and I don’t sit alone in despair. But inside, I don’t feel joy; I’ve lost the zest for life and feel like a mere shadow of my former self.
This experience is often referred to as “smiling depression” or “masked depression.” Jamie Elmer describes it well in an article for Healthline, stating that it refers to individuals who appear content on the outside while struggling internally. Those with smiling depression experience the same feelings of helplessness, sadness, and apathy that characterize clinical depression. While they may seem to lead a “perfect” life, the reality is quite different.
Each day is a battle. Behind my smile lies an ongoing conflict between my mind and my emotions. Although smiling depression isn’t classified in the DSM-5, it doesn’t diminish the seriousness of my condition. The struggle is real and intense.
It can be challenging to convey my experience to others. Friends see me as a devoted mother and a good wife. My social media portrays a seemingly normal, happy life. Yet, in private, I often break down, crying during dark moments or while running. Thoughts of self-harm occasionally creep in; they become a troubling constant. I hear negative voices that tell me I’m not enough and that everyone dislikes me. My relationships feel built on falsehoods.
To cope, I keep myself busy, avoiding the harsh realities of my life while maintaining the illusion of normalcy. I clean, cook, and engage in playtime as if everything is perfectly fine. However, smiling depression is perilous; my mental health condition poses risks that are magnified by my secrecy.
Behind my cheerful mask, struggles abound. Pain and deceit lurk beneath the surface. As Amy Morin, a licensed clinical social worker, points out, depression can lead to thoughts of death and suicide. Those with smiling depression might be at a heightened risk due to their high-functioning appearances, which can mask deeper issues.
Fortunately, smiling depression is treatable, much like traditional depression. Therapy, medication, and lifestyle changes can help individuals regain control of their lives. For my part, I attend therapy to confront my inner demons and manage my symptoms through medication, aiming to be a better person, parent, and spouse. I also make it a point to discuss my depression openly, as sharing my experience is crucial for my well-being. A smile doesn’t always indicate that someone is okay.
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Summary:
Living with smiling depression means appearing happy while struggling internally. Despite seeming well-adjusted, individuals like me deal with feelings of hopelessness and sadness. This hidden battle often goes unnoticed by friends and family, making the condition particularly isolating. However, with the right support and treatment, it is possible to manage symptoms and lead a fulfilling life.
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Keyphrase: Smiling Depression
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