I’m so fed up with fear.
Growing up, fear was my constant companion. I feared my father’s abuse, disappointing my family, and not living up to the expectations of being a perfect Asian American child. I worried about my fluency in both Chinese and English and felt the weight of judgment from relatives, teachers, and mentors.
I was too loud, too bold, too unconventional, too young, too opinionated, too boy-crazy — too American, too Taiwanese — just too much.
I was always terrified of not being good enough, smart enough, or attractive enough — of simply not being enough. Balancing being “too much” while simultaneously feeling “too little” was exhausting.
I tried to reshape myself to fit an acceptable mold, but it never lasted long. It wasn’t due to a lack of willpower; I just didn’t have it in me. So, I buried my insecurities and masked them with arrogance, convincing myself I was superior to others. I believed that anyone else’s success was undeserved and that they owed me something.
I was filled with disdain, jealousy, and spite. Although I avoided gossip out of a desire to seem trustworthy, I would still belittle others’ achievements. “Who do they think they are?” echoed in my mind. Ironically, that same question is now often directed at me by critics and, occasionally, by myself when I let negative thoughts creep in.
Who did I think I was? A valid question.
My friends claim I “lost it” when I turned 40. While I don’t see much difference in myself, I can understand their perspective. Although I had always been outspoken, I began to express my opinions without holding back. I made drastic changes to my appearance and stopped worrying about others’ opinions. I transitioned from being merely outspoken to unapologetically me.
Not everyone welcomed this change.
Some people felt that I had suddenly shifted from the “right” kind of outspoken to the “wrong” kind, leaving them unsure of how to handle me. Yet this time, I didn’t care.
What happened? A mix of nothing and everything. I didn’t perish; people didn’t abandon me. In fact, I felt more alive and fulfilled than ever. New opportunities emerged, my writing flourished, and incredible individuals I once deemed too cool to know entered my life and stayed.
I had already invested in building my skills and knowledge, so my confidence was well-founded. I no longer felt threatened by others’ successes.
I became more generous, recognizing and celebrating the achievements of those around me. I realized that their victories didn’t diminish my own; there was room for all of us. The world felt expansive, and it opened up.
I did lose some people along the way, and that hurt. Still, I chose to be thankful for the time we shared and recognized that we had outgrown each other. I wished them well.
Of course, I still care about the opinions of certain individuals—my family, select friends, and respected mentors. Their thoughts matter because I value their perspectives.
I worry about being prejudiced or perpetuating harm. I worry about my actions impacting the vulnerable negatively. I fear being unkind or unjust.
When these important voices express concern about my behavior, I confront my defensiveness and shame, evaluate their feedback against my understanding of them and the world, and then I own up to my mistakes. I apologize, learn, and strive to improve.
My ego may take a hit, but it helps me let go of the illusion of perfection.
I’ve also made some enemies. But why should I care about the opinions of those I don’t respect? Their animosity amuses me. When I dislike someone, I simply ignore them; they cease to exist in my world. So, it’s puzzling when certain individuals go out of their way to criticize me—like Regina George said, why are they so obsessed with me?
They can hate all they want; their voices are background noise to me.
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Summary:
This reflection explores the transformative experience of turning 40, shedding fears and insecurities, and embracing an unapologetic self. The author recounts a journey from being consumed by judgment and arrogance to finding freedom and joy in authenticity and self-acceptance. While acknowledging the loss of some relationships, they celebrate newfound opportunities and connections, emphasizing the importance of generosity and support in a vast world.
Keyphrase: transformation at 40
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