If I’m being truthful, I’ve battled anxiety and depression for a significant part of my life. Yet, as an adult, I hesitated to turn to medication for help, with reasons too complex to fully articulate. I would have wholeheartedly encouraged any friend to seek such assistance, supporting them every step of the way. But for myself, taking that step seemed daunting.
That changed in 2020—the year that truly tested me. In April, I sensed the familiar shadows creeping in. My anxiety was at an all-time high, and I could feel the weight of depression beginning to settle in. This time, however, I found myself without the usual coping mechanisms.
Isolated from friends and unable to meet with my therapist or engage in community activities, I was confined at home with just my 7-year-old daughter. Juggling work, homeschooling, and household chores alone was overwhelming, and I recognized this as a potential disaster.
In a moment of vulnerability, I called my doctor and, through tears, requested the one prescription she had long suggested: an antidepressant to help me avoid a deeper fall. It was a humbling experience, but crucial. Within weeks of starting the medication, I began to feel more like myself—capable of rational thought and less prone to tears. I was getting out of bed more easily and providing my daughter with the understanding she deserved.
Most importantly, the intrusive thoughts that had plagued me for years vanished. For the first time, I realized that it wasn’t normal to have constant thoughts of tragedy and death. With this little pill, I could live free from that mental torment. However, there was a catch: my ability to orgasm seemed to vanish along with those intrusive thoughts.
I’ve always embraced my sexuality, and I have no shame in admitting I enjoy self-pleasure. As a single mother in the middle of a pandemic, where dating was off the table, my collection of toys was essential. Yet, what used to be a comforting part of my nightly routine turned frustrating. I could still feel pleasure, but reaching that peak became elusive. Instead of satisfaction, I was left feeling numb and anxious.
It may sound dramatic, but losing my orgasm genuinely frightened me. At nearly 40, still searching for that special someone, the idea of losing the ability to climax—whether with a partner or alone—was daunting. Here I was, feeling mentally stable for the first time, yet I feared I might have to sacrifice my sexual health for it.
While I was prepared to make that sacrifice for my mental well-being, I longed for both. Thankfully, I connected with a supportive group of women who shared similar experiences; losing one’s orgasm is a common side effect of antidepressants. They guided me in rediscovering my pleasure just when I thought it was lost forever.
I started by taking a break from self-pleasure for a month, as advised by these women. They suggested that I needed to relieve the pressure I’d placed on myself. After the month passed, I set the mood for a night of self-exploration, beginning with an episode of Normal People, which had my heart racing. Following that, I enjoyed a warm bath with one of my water-friendly toys, taking my time and gradually increasing the intensity.
I made a commitment to relax and not pressure myself, and to my surprise, I achieved orgasm by the end of that night. The following months were hit or miss; sometimes I succeeded, other times I didn’t. However, after that first post-medication orgasm, the fear of never climaxing again faded. I embraced the process, and without the pressure, I eventually regained my sexual confidence.
Today, I’m proud to say I have both mental stability and the ability to reach orgasm whenever I desire. It took time and patience, but the effort was well worth it. When my doctor recently asked if I might consider tapering off the medication, I was clear: I have no intention of stopping antidepressants again. I now understand what I was missing before, and I’m grateful I worked through the challenges to arrive at a healthier place.
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In summary, while starting antidepressants can come with unexpected challenges, such as changes in sexual function, it is possible to reclaim that aspect of life with patience and the right support. Embracing both mental health and sexual wellness can lead to a fulfilling life.
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