My younger brother, who is a decade my junior, reaches out to me via FaceTime every single day. He’s the one who initiates the call, and I eagerly await his messages as his big sister, ready to offer advice, send him a little money through Venmo as he hones his budgeting skills, or simply chat about life. In many ways, I feel like I am the only real parental figure he has.
While I didn’t give birth to him, we share the same mother, who passed away thirteen years ago. Before her death, she was far from the ideal mom, being emotionally and physically absent from our lives, often cycling through jail, prison, and halfway houses. This caregiver role is something I have become accustomed to. It’s hard for me to step back, especially when it comes to my siblings — but it can also be draining.
Growing up, I felt an overwhelming obligation to protect my siblings, Emma and Jake, from our mother’s absence. I was compelled to be there for them, to learn how to play with them, love them, and fill the void left by a mother who never tucked them in at night.
A quick search for “siblings caring for siblings” reveals a startling lack of data on this subject. It’s a rarely discussed issue, and the research on it is almost non-existent. This has been my unspoken truth: I became the main support for my siblings. Over the years, we had surrogate parental figures because our mother couldn’t fulfill her role due to her drug addiction and time spent in prison. We understood that she couldn’t provide what we needed, but I could.
Despite everything, I find myself grateful. The experiences my mother put me through — from visiting her in jail to covering her bail and lying to protect my younger brother’s innocence — have shaped me into who I am today. These challenges have influenced every aspect of my life. I’ve learned to craft responses that are sensitive to others’ feelings, though this has sometimes led people to see me as insincere. My goal has always been to communicate without hurting my siblings, so I learned to express myself in the most thoughtful way possible.
There are countless caregivers in the world. As mothers, we often become caretakers by choice, but when you’re stepping into that role for a sibling due to a parent’s inability, the dynamics shift significantly. Boundaries must be established, and we must navigate what can and cannot be shared, manage requests, and handle the associated shame. After adopting my son, I’ve learned that everyone needs someone who can show up for them. For my siblings, that person is me. Just like parenting my three children, I sometimes feel overwhelmed and may hit decline when their names pop up on my phone, but love is what holds us together.
Being their sibling and caretaker is a blessing, allowing me to witness their growth. Yes, it can be tiring, and I have my moments of frustration. However, I will never abandon them, just as I wouldn’t do with my own kids. My role as their caregiver has influenced every relationship I’ve had, both personally and professionally.
In an article by Cindy Lahe in The Atlantic, she notes the lack of research on how parental neglect leads children to take on caregiving roles for each other and how this affects their relationships later in life. Interestingly, I never perceived my mother as neglectful; her absence instead made me stronger, ultimately preparing me to be a better mother myself.
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Search Queries:
- How to care for siblings as a young adult
- Emotional impact of parental absence on siblings
- Role reversal in sibling relationships
- Navigating boundaries as a caregiver sibling
- Coping with parental neglect in adulthood
Summary:
In this heartfelt reflection, Tessa Monroe shares her experience of stepping into a parental role for her younger siblings due to their mother’s absence. She discusses the complexities and challenges of caregiving among siblings, emphasizing the impact of her upbringing on her personal development and relationships. Despite the difficulties, she finds gratitude in her experiences and remains committed to supporting her siblings.
Keyphrase: Sibling caregiver roles
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