Last year, I embarked on a journey to prioritize my well-being. A few months after the birth of my second child, I was feeling completely drained. I stumbled upon an online fitness subscription that offered an extensive library of workout videos, all promising to transform me into a strong, happy, and healthy version of myself. Eager for a change, I thought this could be the ideal tool for my postpartum self-care.
I had the belief that shedding a few pounds was essential for my health, and that achieving this physical change would reignite my passion for life. My plan was to wake up before my little ones and tackle some quick yet intense workouts. I hoped this new routine would bring more balance to my life.
At the time, this approach seemed sensible, especially considering my past struggles with disordered eating during college. I followed a strict diet—too strictly, in fact. I often restricted my food intake and skipped meals, spending hours at the gym daily. If my exercise or diet didn’t align with my high standards, I felt overwhelmed. I thought I was being healthy, but my life soon fell apart. I was engulfed in anxiety, swinging between feeling numb and being overwhelmed with emotions. The simplest decisions became monumental challenges.
Recognizing I needed help, I sought counseling for disordered eating. In my first round of therapy, I was shocked to learn that dieting isn’t necessary for health. This revelation was liberating and transformed my life. I could eat when I was hungry and stop when I was full, without counting calories or opting for meal replacements.
This journey was gradual and often uncomfortable, but it helped me break free from the cycle of dieting and bingeing. Although my desire to be smaller didn’t vanish, it became less prominent. After counseling, I began to rediscover joy in my life.
Years passed, and I married my wonderful husband, worked as a nurse, and became a mom to two energetic boys. Motherhood, while rewarding, also presented challenges. After my second child, I felt low and sought to define what being healthy meant in this new chapter of my life. The online fitness program seemed like a promising start, as the virtual trainers touted the benefits of commitment for achieving “results.”
Months went by without any noticeable changes. I didn’t lose weight, nor did I feel better. Exercising in the mornings proved challenging, and when I managed to squeeze in a workout, I often felt judged and frustrated by the trainers. Instead of feeling empowered, I found myself exhausted and defeated.
This attempt at self-care had backfired, prompting me to seek counseling again. Although I had moved past harmful eating behaviors, I was still trapped by the false beliefs of my eating disorder, such as “Everything will be better when you lose weight” and “If you were just smaller, you would feel happier.” I realized these pressures extended beyond my body to encompass expectations as a mother, wife, friend, and daughter. The weight of these self-imposed standards was suffocating.
Brene Brown, an author and shame researcher, states in her book Daring Greatly, “If we want children who love and accept who they are, our job is to love and accept who we are.” This insight made me recognize the need for change—not in my weight, but in my mindset.
Currently, I am actively working on loving and accepting myself. I continue to see my counselor, learning about embodiment, mindfulness, and body image to challenge the damaging narratives from society and my past. I no longer believe I need to be thin to enjoy life or to accept myself. Genuine self-care is not about weight loss; in fact, my attempts at losing weight proved detrimental to my well-being.
I now focus on nurturing my body out of respect rather than a desire to alter its appearance. I’ve rediscovered activities that bring me joy, like hiking, yoga, and kickboxing. My postpartum body is strong and capable, allowing me to play with my boys and hike beautiful trails. This is what true self-care looks like for me.
Yesterday, I decided to cancel my online fitness subscription. My year of self-care didn’t unfold as I expected—I didn’t lose weight, but I did uncover a strong, beautiful body. A year later, I am a happier, healthier version of myself.
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Summary:
This article discusses a personal journey towards understanding true self-care, emphasizing that it is not synonymous with weight loss. The author shares her struggles with disordered eating and the realization that genuine well-being comes from self-acceptance and nurturing the body, rather than adhering to societal beauty standards. Through counseling and self-discovery, she learns to prioritize activities that bring joy and fulfillment, leading to a healthier mindset and a deeper appreciation for her body.
Keyphrase: genuine self-care
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