Parenting Insights on Adopting Older Kids
By Jamie Thompson
Updated: November 24, 2020
Originally Published: November 24, 2020
My adopted son became part of our family at the age of nine. Although my partner and I had never intended to adopt, a family emergency created a situation that led us to him. We recognized that welcoming an older child into our home would present its challenges, yet we felt confident in our ability to provide a loving and secure environment for him.
However, we were unprepared for the complexities that often accompany adopting an older child.
Our adoption journey was unique. My son is actually my cousin; his mother, the youngest of ten, is my father’s sister. She had also been adopted. Unfortunately, her sudden health issues due to diabetes left her unable to care for him. While our situation had its peculiarities, it still involved many of the typical hurdles found in adoption.
I had assumed that gaining full custody would be a straightforward process, especially with the birth mother’s backing. However, navigating the foster care system and family court turned out to be far more complicated than I anticipated. What I thought would be a matter of months morphed into nearly a two-year ordeal. Court dates were frequently postponed, and often we’d show up only to find some crucial document missing, requiring us to reschedule. Even after five years of legal custody, the full adoption process remains unfinished.
Adopting older children can also be influenced by the child’s birth family. It’s not unusual for birth family members to contest the adoption. Typically, the foster care system aims to reunite children with their biological parents or relatives, which can complicate adoption proceedings. In our case, while my family was supportive, we still faced custody challenges from his birth father—a painful reality.
Separating a child from their birth family is inherently traumatic, irrespective of their background. The older the child, the more cognizant they are of their situation. My son relocated across the country to live with relatives he barely knew, adapting to a new family dynamic and school environment. He was acutely aware of his mother’s illness and the possibility of never being with her outside the hospital again.
Recognizing this, we prioritized counseling and family therapy. Our son had a lot of emotions to work through, which often manifested as anger or withdrawal. Like many adoptive parents, I wished I could shoulder his burdens. I had underestimated the depth of his struggles, and all we could do was provide unwavering support and seek professional help.
Older children come with their own histories, often filled with complex emotions that require substantial processing. They will need considerable support to navigate these feelings, and professional guidance is crucial, along with allowing your child the time they need.
Additionally, we had to help our biological children adapt to the new family dynamic. We had two kids before adopting my son, and we didn’t anticipate the shift in birth order that our eldest would face. Transitioning from the oldest to the middle child was a challenge for him, and he expressed his displeasure quite vocally. Thankfully, over the years, he and his new brother have formed a close bond and frequently join forces to tease their younger siblings.
We also had to adapt our parenting style to accommodate our adopted son, who came from a single-parent household. Adjusting to having an active father in the home was a significant change for him. Our different family rules, expectations, and communication styles created a learning curve that required patience, frequent discussions, and open dialogue.
We may have over-communicated, but I wanted to ensure my son understood our reasoning behind certain rules or requests. I know he sometimes feels like an outsider, and I strive to prevent those feelings. However, joining a new family as an older child can inherently create feelings of being unwanted, and it shouldn’t be their responsibility to cultivate a sense of belonging.
Adopting any child is a journey filled with unexpected highs and lows. The level of patience and understanding required can only be truly grasped once you’re fully immersed in the experience. It’s essential to commit for the long haul; every adopted child deserves a home where they feel loved, accepted, and safe.
Sadly, we lost my son’s birth mother over three years ago. Yet, I am grateful that we could be there for him during that difficult time. He has transformed from a scared and uncertain child into a confident, thriving, and occasionally annoying teenager. He experiences all the typical adolescent mood swings, eye rolls, and moments of growth, all wrapped up in his tall, lanky frame. Each day offers new learning experiences, and knowing what I do now, I would choose to adopt my son again without hesitation.
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