This time of year is my absolute favorite. I cherish every aspect of the holiday season, and on the best days, I truly feel like myself amidst the sugar cookies and twinkling lights. The joy I derive from baking, decorating, and indulging in holiday movies on repeat makes me eager for the festivities to begin again. In fact, after we stored away the Christmas decorations last year, I felt a wave of sadness wash over me. I tried to reassure my children, saying, “Before we know it, it will be February! I start decorating and watching Christmas movies around Halloween, so I really only have to wait nine months!” My youngest reached out to hug me, clearly out of sympathy.
However, my enthusiasm for all things festive doesn’t mean my anxiety disappears; in fact, I believe it intensifies during this season. I only recognized this about twenty years ago when I found myself nearly having a panic attack in the shower, fretting about how I would manage to buy gifts for my family, hold a cookie exchange, plan a craft night, purchase the decorations I wanted, and host Christmas dinner. I wanted to do everything, yet my mind was stuck in a loop of worries about finances and logistics.
Mornings found me waking up early and rushing around to complete tasks. My weekends were filled to the brim, and enjoyment was nowhere to be found. I became irritable, fixated on checking off my to-do list. My then-fiancé pointed out, in a tone that said “here we go again,” that I was ruining his holiday spirit. I insisted it was just excitement that kept me from sleeping well. He replied, “This isn’t excitement; it’s anxiety.” I couldn’t deny the truth in his words.
My heart raced, and I couldn’t relax to enjoy the very things I was supposed to love. It always felt like I was racing to the next task with a hefty side of worry, which is the reality for those of us with high-functioning anxiety. It’s as though you have this overwhelming need to do everything perfectly, but in the process, you wear yourself down, and before you know it, the party’s over and you’re left with a long-lasting hangover from the stress.
Experiencing high-functioning anxiety during the holidays can feel like an obligation to accomplish everything because there’s so much to do. You want to create wonderful experiences for yourself and those around you, yet you find yourself sitting down for a family movie night in matching pajamas and remembering you haven’t baked cookies for your neighbor, who looks forward to them every year. You impose pressures on yourself that you would never dream of placing on someone else, convinced that you can handle it. And when you find you can’t, it leads to feelings of inadequacy.
When you try to engage in relaxation, you struggle to fully embrace it. Family members grow frustrated with you because you’re annoyed with them for not decorating the tree “correctly,” disagreeing on the Christmas dinner menu, or messing with the window candles. It’s as if everything must be perfect, and the burden of that perfection rests squarely on your shoulders.
As a child, my mother was tightly wound during the holidays, and I dreaded being around her because it sucked the joy out of the season. She was perpetually stressed and seemed unable to let the little things slide. I often reflect on that as a mom myself, determined not to be the one who drains the magic from our celebrations.
Yes, I want to enjoy the holidays and engage in all the traditions. That’s simply who I am, and I’ve always been this way. But I also grapple with significant anxiety. It can be challenging to distinguish between participating in activities out of fear of missing out and truly wanting to enjoy the season, spreading joy through my efforts, which ultimately makes me happy.
Years ago, my partner was right. It isn’t excitement when you’re unable to relish the activities you once looked forward to. It’s something different entirely. Many people face the challenge of realizing that everything will be alright if they take a moment to simply be present, rather than forcing every moment to be perfect.
Every year, I find myself working through this struggle; it’s an ongoing battle within, and likely always will be. But it’s my reality, and for those of us dealing with high-functioning anxiety, it’s crucial to find ways to cope. Hopefully, we can also learn to forgive ourselves for not always achieving the perfect balance and perhaps even let go of that pressure altogether.
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Summary:
The holiday season can be a time of joy, but it often brings heightened levels of anxiety for those who strive for perfection. The pressure to create memorable experiences can lead to feelings of inadequacy and stress. Recognizing the difference between excitement and anxiety is crucial to enjoying the holidays. By taking time to be present and letting go of unrealistic expectations, we can find a healthier balance during this festive time.
Keyphrase: holiday perfectionism and anxiety
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