My partner and I find ourselves in the laundry room simultaneously. He’s transferring wet clothes from the washer to the dryer while I’m on a mission to locate the broom and clean up the crumbs from lunch. For a fleeting moment, our bodies touch, and we exchange a meaningful glance. But just as quickly, a shriek from our child doing remote learning shatters the moment. And just like that, we’re pulled back into the reality of parenting.
The pandemic has certainly put a strain on our intimate life, and I know we’re not the only ones. With our daily responsibilities piling up, finding time for romance has fallen far down our priority list. It’s simply not even on the radar.
Once upon a time, a date night could ignite the spark. A quiet dinner at a restaurant while a babysitter took care of the kids often led to a weekend of passion. Now, though, there are no babysitters, no evenings out, and no romantic dinners. Sure, we could order takeout after the kids are asleep, but by then, we’re utterly drained after a day that ends around 5 p.m. with a “senior citizen” dinner.
Experts suggest that we should schedule sex; just jot it down on the calendar and make it happen. However, we all know that intimacy doesn’t work that way. Yes, we could try to sneak in a midday encounter while the kids are entertained by a movie, but work meetings and lunch breaks take precedence over intimacy. We face constant interruptions every minute.
There’s always the option of a quickie, but many women, myself included, understand that it often takes time to get in the mood. The idea of a quick encounter sounds appealing, but when you have little ones demanding help with their schoolwork and snacks, shifting from “math mode” to “romantic mode” in a matter of minutes feels nearly impossible. (Experts, any suggestions? I thought so.)
We seldom find ourselves in the mood and certainly not at the same time. The pandemic has increased the demands of work, forced us to assist our children with remote learning, and combined our work and play spaces, resulting in more clutter. Our home is anything but a romantic backdrop, filled with stacks of books, papers, and toys. In reality, there’s always more to be done. In movies, couples clear off surfaces to make room for romance. In our lives, a child is never far behind.
I know many friends share a similar struggle. We’re grateful to be safe at home, but this doesn’t magically transform our lives into a romantic fantasy. Both my partner and I look worn out all the time. The last thing on our minds is changing into something more alluring to inspire intimacy.
We move through our days, sipping cold coffee, helping kids log on to Zoom, reheating leftovers, cleaning up messes, and juggling work responsibilities. Most days, we feel like zombies—not exactly the picture of passion. The ongoing pandemic is certainly a mood-killer.
Perhaps we should attempt to go through the motions, but that’s not really our style. Instead, we’re coming to terms with the dry spell. I realize that experts might expect us to make more of an effort, but the truth is, nearly everyone I know is feeling drained, lacking energy and motivation. We’re just trying to get through each day without a breakdown.
We wash our masks, share hand sanitizer, assist with homework, run the dishwasher, and vacuum the floors. We communicate with colleagues, schedule meetings around our parenting duties, and attempt to carve out time during the day to help our kids learn. We brew coffee, make grocery runs, check the mail, and fit in recess with the kids.
We’re doing our best, despite what the experts say. Those who can enjoy leisurely intimacy on a Tuesday are likely supported by nannies and cleaning services—not the average family trying to balance work and education.
Sometimes, I feel a twinge of guilt about not being more intimate. It’s not about obligation but rather an unmet need we both share. We’re definitely in better spirits afterward, but the timing and location rarely align, and life is too unpredictable to make promises about intimacy (and actually follow through).
I don’t believe we’re failing by not meeting some arbitrary sexual quota. We’re also not failing by struggling to work, educate our children, and navigate life during a global pandemic. There’s no right or wrong way to manage the challenges of 2020. It’s a cliché, but it’s true: it is what it is.
Moreover, I don’t think intimacy is the only way to bond with and appreciate our partners. After over twenty years together, being a couple means understanding each other’s needs at any moment, whether it’s a compliment, a helping hand, some alone time, or simply sharing a collective sigh when the kids are acting up. Togetherness extends beyond physical intimacy.
We should allow ourselves to acknowledge that COVID-19 has altered many aspects of our lives, including our intimate relationships. It’s perfectly fine not to feel in the mood. It’s also acceptable to nurture our partnership in various ways. And we can disregard the unrealistic expectations set by experts who don’t understand the complexities of our daily lives. If the opportunity for intimacy arises, we can embrace it; if it doesn’t, that’s perfectly okay too.
For more insights on navigating relationships during these challenging times, check out this blog post. And if you’re considering home insemination options, sites like CryoBaby provide excellent resources on this topic, as does American Pregnancy for all things related to pregnancy and donor insemination.
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In summary, the pandemic has undeniably transformed our lives and relationships, including our sexual intimacy. While we navigate the complexities of working and parenting from home, it’s crucial to acknowledge the changes and grant ourselves grace. Nurturing our partnership can take many forms, and it’s perfectly normal to experience shifts in our intimate lives during these unprecedented times.
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