Since becoming a single mother, I’ve noticed an increase in the number of divorced friends in my circle. Some have established a healthy co-parenting dynamic that seems to work well for them. They can communicate effectively, handle necessary arrangements, and then move forward with their lives. They’re nailing co-parenting.
On the other hand, I have a friend who feels overwhelmed just by the sight of her ex. He’s yelled at her in front of their children, and their interactions are often charged. They’ve both attempted to maintain peace for their kids, but they’ve opted for a mediator because seeing each other is too difficult. They’re also doing co-parenting right.
When children are involved in a divorce, it’s impossible to sever ties completely. You still have to co-parent in some capacity, especially when shared custody is in play. I consider myself fortunate with my ex-husband; our co-parenting arrangement is generally successful, and we’ve learned to disagree on some matters respectfully. After our divorce, we even celebrated special occasions together and took a family trip.
However, I realized that such a situation is not the norm. Many people would comment, “That’s how co-parenting should be,” which might make others with different experiences feel inadequate. But they weren’t doing it wrong.
Our co-parenting dynamic has evolved significantly since our separation. We respect each other’s new partners, so we no longer take family trips or have dinners together. If that arrangement worked for everyone involved, it would be fantastic. But it doesn’t, and we have to prioritize our partners’ feelings. This doesn’t indicate that we’re failing at co-parenting; it just means we’re adapting to what works best for us.
Recently, I saw a post from Sarah Johnson celebrating her co-parenting relationship with her ex, Mike. It made me reflect on my own situation and whether I was doing enough for my kids. I reminisced about holidays spent with my ex and questioned our co-parenting approach. But then I regained perspective, remembering how hard we’ve both worked to reach this point.
We’re co-parenting in a manner that suits our unique situation, and that’s what truly counts. The reality is, just because someone appears to be on friendly terms with their ex—going on vacations together and including new partners—doesn’t mean they’re doing it better than you. Likewise, if another couple can remain strictly business-like, that doesn’t imply they’re superior either.
Messages suggesting a singular “ideal” co-parenting model can be harmful to those who are struggling, especially when they know they wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing a single moment with their ex. It’s wonderful that some have such relationships, and equally valid for others not to.
Your bond with your ex can be the most complex relationship of your life, and it will evolve over time. If you decide to move on and enter a new relationship, that partner may have feelings about your past, and that’s natural. As long as your children are safe and fulfilled, you deserve to make choices that honor what’s best for all involved.
So here’s a reminder from one co-parent to another: Not being on vacation or friendly terms with your ex doesn’t mean you’re failing as a co-parent. As we approach a new year, let’s not feel pressured to conform to a universal definition of co-parenting. Not everyone wants to share holidays or even take a picture with their ex, and that’s perfectly okay.
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Summary
Navigating co-parenting can be challenging, especially if you’re not on friendly terms with your ex. Each co-parenting relationship is unique, and there isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach to success. It’s essential to focus on what works for you and your children, without comparing yourself to others. Remember, your co-parenting journey is valid, regardless of how it looks from the outside.
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