Scene: After settling the kids down for the night, I make my way to the master bedroom, ready to tackle some work on my laptop. My husband, Jake, is in the room as well — he’s just started folding a load of laundry. Yes, he initiated this task because he recognized it needed attention, and I didn’t have to remind him. I don’t want to come across as inconsiderate, so I jump in to help.
He folds another item, then picks up the TV remote and starts scrolling through Netflix. He seems indecisive, flipping through options endlessly. Meanwhile, I manage to fold two-thirds of the laundry. Finally, he abandons the remote and resumes folding. Once he finishes the small pile before him, he walks away—to take a shower. A few items are still left in the basket, but the folding is mostly “complete.” Except… the piles of folded clothes are scattered across our bed waiting to be moved to the kids’ baskets for them to put away tomorrow, and there are dryer sheets, bits of lint, and unmatched socks on the floor that need attention.
Jake either doesn’t see these details OR he assumes I’ll take care of them. My face gets hot with frustration. I want to be angry. I am angry — but should I be? Is this really something to get worked up about? It feels petty, doesn’t it? Maybe I should be grateful that he made any effort at all, especially without being asked.
But hold on a second.
Why am I questioning my feelings instead of recognizing that it’s valid to be upset about this? After all, it’s not just about a single load of laundry. I shouldn’t dismiss my feelings as trivial. I once came across advice in a relationship book suggesting that keeping score of household contributions can be detrimental to marital happiness. This notion implies that acknowledging who does more is petty and ungrateful, which could harm the relationship. As a devoted wife, you’re expected to accept whatever he contributes and make sure to maintain physical intimacy, because, apparently, that’s what keeps men happy.
I would wager that the author of that advice was a man—a man who wasn’t pulling his weight and wanted to avoid accountability. This misguided advice has been perpetuated, with people nodding along in agreement, reinforcing the idea that it’s unreasonable to notice when one partner is doing the bulk of the work.
To clarify, Jake isn’t lazy. He genuinely wants to help and is a good husband. His efforts are commendable, particularly since he grew up in an environment where household help was the norm, and men typically didn’t participate in chores. He has made significant strides. But sometimes, his “help” feels like channel surfing while I shoulder the majority of the workload, then leaving when he feels he’s done enough.
Yet, my frustration isn’t solely about Jake; it’s about my reluctance to confront him about the imbalance. After stewing for hours, I realized I should have done what he did—walked away when I felt I had done enough or better yet, not touched the laundry at all. I was sacrificing my time for work to assist him with a task he could easily manage. If he had been focused on his own work, I wouldn’t expect him to stop and help me fold clothes. That would be unreasonable, and he certainly wouldn’t drop everything to assist me.
Let’s be real: many men, in general, don’t think about household dynamics. (CALM DOWN, I said “in general.” If you or your partner is part of the 10–20% who’ve evolved beyond this point, I’m not talking about you. Accept that you’re the exception and spare me the hate mail.)
What I’m labeling here is micro-laziness. It’s a subtler form of the more overt laziness seen in previous generations, and it can be even more frustrating because it’s difficult to articulate. We’re often told to be thankful that our partners are doing more than their fathers did. When they grill at a barbecue while women manage a feast of side dishes and children, we’re expected to applaud their efforts. When they wash dishes but leave pots and pans to collect grime overnight, we should be grateful for their contribution. And when they let the kids run rampant while they relax, we’re to appreciate that they managed on their own for a few hours.
We shouldn’t overlook micro-laziness. Today’s men may occasionally change diapers or wash dishes, but we’re encouraged to express gratitude for these actions, as if they’re doing us a favor. This is societal gaslighting: He may be doing more than past generations, so you should just be grateful. If you don’t see that, you’re labeled as a nag or an accountant.
But we must continue advocating for shared responsibilities because we deserve equal partnership. Wanting to share the workload isn’t going to ruin your marriage. You are entitled to expect your husband to contribute equally, and he is more than capable of handling it. Your relationship—and life—will be better for it.
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In summary, it’s crucial to communicate your needs and expectations regarding household responsibilities. Recognizing and addressing imbalances can lead to a healthier and more fulfilling partnership.