As I watch you sleep, I find myself tracing the contours of your face in my mind. This moment may be one of the last where I see you in this serene state. I lean against you, enveloped by your scent, struggling to keep my emotions in check. I allow myself to be vulnerable just once more, letting the love I feel for you wash over me.
Tomorrow will bring a shift. You will sense the tension in my body when you reach for me. My words will be sharp, my demeanor distant. Yet, inside, my heart will race so violently that I question how I can even walk away without feeling shattered.
I have loved you with an intensity that has at times consumed me. The flames of my affection have burned so fiercely that I’ve felt parts of myself melt away, pooling at my feet until they are unrecognizable.
Strangely, in moments of fearing your loss, I am reminded only of the good. I remember how your smile brightens your entire face and how your hands, hardened by work, felt like silk on my skin. I think of the love you show to my children.
The infidelity fades into a distant nightmare. The angry words and resentments vanish. I forget the threats that once made my body tremble each morning, unsure of which version of you I would encounter.
You embody a real-life Jekyll and Hyde, two halves of a whole, unaware of each other’s existence. One side hurls cruel insults while the other promises love and comfort.
I remember the wonder in your eyes when you look at our son, marveling at his presence. I choose to forget the harsh words directed at my daughter, the shame that clouded her spirit.
Only you could persuade me that a bike in the kitchen and ice cream before bed are vital for a child’s happiness. The girls mourn for the father who taught them how to fish and play ball. They long for the dad who exemplified both elegance and ruggedness.
The contradictions within you leave me questioning my own sanity. How can someone be so harsh yet so tender? How can the highs be exhilarating and the lows devastating?
I mourn for the man I wish you could be—the one with the infectious laughter and captivating smile, the one who would drop everything for a midnight horseback ride.
The kids miss you deeply, their longing palpable. Each day brings another round of questions that wear me down. You’re busy with work or away for the week. Sometimes, I give in, partly for their sake and partly for mine.
It’s astonishing how easily we gravitate back to the same cycle. Things may change momentarily, but we inevitably return to where we began, that same dreadful tune you wish would change but never does. How do you make a choice that you know will break your heart and theirs? For now, we tread carefully, balancing our desires with what we know is right. We’ll allow love, but also set boundaries.
I will quietly nurture hope for change, but I refuse to depend on it. My commitment is to create a solid foundation for my children, no matter which version of “you” we face each day. We want you, yet I will not let us become dependent on you.
You are both the man I have always dreamed of and the one I have always feared. And as every dream must eventually fade, you will forever remain my favorite—the man caught in a struggle with his own darkness. I hope to still find you in my dreams, perhaps riding together under the stars, away from the chaos, in a tranquil field illuminated by the full moon, with nothing but peace surrounding us.