Navigating the Chaos: A Quarantine Photo Journal

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Updated: November 6, 2020
Originally Published: November 6, 2020

Being a mother is an emotional journey filled with thrilling highs and daunting lows. One moment, I’m elated watching my child discover something new; the next, I’m battling the urge to sprint out of the house, leaving behind the chaos. And that’s in ordinary times—when escaping the house was an option.

Motherhood during a pandemic is an entirely different experience, one none of us signed up for. To call it challenging is an understatement; it feels impossible. Right now, I hear “Mama” more often than I hear my own name, and it seems I’m always in mom mode.

I adore my children more than anything, but I never envisioned being their sole companion ALL DAY, EVERY DAY. Normally, I get breaks when they attend school or spend nights with their grandparents, allowing me to recharge. The pandemic has stripped away those moments, leaving my energy reserves depleted. While there are still joyful moments, the constant togetherness can feel overwhelming.

I know I’m not alone in this experience; mothers everywhere are navigating the extended demands of mommyhood. Yet, unlike typical times, we can’t gather for a coffee or cocktail to share our struggles. We’re all facing the same mundane routine of pretend play, virtual schooling, endless meal prep, emotional support, and cleaning up, all while juggling work and trying to preserve a bit of our pre-mom identities. It’s a relentless cycle: wake up, rinse, repeat.

Before the pandemic, I was a photographer. From an artistic perspective, this time presented a unique narrative—the family dynamic under lockdown. Unfortunately, I couldn’t photograph other families, so I turned the lens on the only subjects I had access to—myself and my kids!

This self-portrait series emerged from the whirlwind of emotions I felt as a mother during these unprecedented times. Creating these images was cathartic and transformed into a delightful collaboration with my children. It allowed them to witness my passion for photography and understand that while I cherish motherhood, I am also more than just “Mama.” It gave me a small boost of energy.

With the kids home constantly, I get plenty of “help” with chores. My laundry often gets folded multiple times: the first attempt is a kid-assisted folding, followed by a redo, then a “helpful” mess during pretend play, and finally, a last-minute fold with a glass of wine after they’re asleep.

Being at home all the time means the refrigerator is always in sight, and my children seem to have developed a Pavlovian response to it. They’re constantly asking for snacks, making it hard to focus. If only I could discreetly hide the fridge away!

We’re learning to appreciate the small moments that once felt mundane. In the early days of the pandemic, I felt compelled to create extraordinary experiences for them to compensate for what they were missing. Yet, I’ve discovered that quality time and love truly suffice.

Driving has transformed from a simple means of transport to a noteworthy activity. We sometimes take drives just to escape the house and feel a semblance of normalcy. From the safety of our vehicle, we glimpse the familiar yet vacant community around us, providing me with a moment to gather my thoughts while they are strapped in.

Working from home with kids feels like attempting to write a paragraph one word at a time throughout the day. Every email I send feels like a victory. Typos? They come with the territory, and I owe no apologies.

Some days, I thrive in my role as “Mama.” Everything seems to flow effortlessly, and I can easily engage with my kids’ suggestions for play. Their delight warms my heart, and I can’t help but feel accomplished. But other days are different; I don’t always feel like being “Mama.” In the past, I could call for reinforcements—a playdate or a babysitter—but now that option isn’t available, which is tough to cope with.

Getting outside in the sunlight significantly boosts my energy levels, so we go on many walks, often with a plethora of items in tow. I know they will slow our pace, but I give in to their requests, even if it means a drawn-out jaunt around the block.

If I’m lucky, I can sneak in a nap, but somehow, my children always find a way to be on top of me. I sometimes wonder if it’s a running joke among them.

Even in the midst of chaos, my girls find joy, and their happy faces are what keeps me going. The pandemic has also allowed us to experiment with new recipes together. My daughters love baking, and while I’m not sure I enjoy the process, at least it usually ends with a sweet treat—minus that one disastrous banana bread.

I’ve come to accept that I won’t always be the perfect mom, and that’s okay. My children don’t need my undivided attention all the time, so when they allow me space, I take it.

When life becomes overwhelming, I sometimes revert to my inner child. Riding a tricycle is far more enjoyable than folding laundry, and let’s be honest—when you’re home all the time, nobody cares if your clothes are wrinkled.

Somehow, we’re managing to get through this, one day at a time, one activity at a time. It’s exhausting, but we’re doing our best.

When motherhood feels stifling, I remind myself of the value of being a constant in my children’s lives during such uncertain times. I may not always excel at it, but I’m always present, and my love for them is unwavering.

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In summary, this journey through motherhood during a pandemic has been a mix of chaos, joy, and self-discovery. While the situation is challenging, the moments of love and connection with my children remind me of what truly matters.

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