As the school year progressed, my daughter recently returned home with her first major math exam results. While we were driving, she candidly shared that she had utterly failed the test—red ink marked all over it, and her teacher visibly worried. Up until now, she had always excelled in mathematics. Being the slightly anxious parent that I am, my mind spiraled into a frenzy of worry.
I wondered if she had been distracted during lessons or if the endless hours on her tablet had dulled her focus. Perhaps she no longer cared about academics at all. I feared this failure might signal the start of a downward spiral. Would she turn into a rebellious teenager? Would she end up living in my basement forever?
Once I snapped out of that moment of panic, I realized I needed to approach the situation differently. Instead of jumping to conclusions or punishing her, I paused and thought about how best to handle this significant learning moment. I told her, “Let’s show your dad, and we’ll devise a plan.” Yes, I hesitated.
However, after discussing it with her father, we decided to flip the script on failure. Rather than treating her setback as a disaster, we opted to celebrate this pivotal moment in her academic journey. That evening, we prepared her favorite meal, baked a cake, and proudly displayed her failed exam on the fridge. We even sang an off-key version of “Happy Failure To You,” cheerfully congratulating her for her effort. “Wow, you really went for it! That test is truly horrendous, and we’re thrilled that you gave it your all!” She looked bewildered, perhaps questioning our sanity.
In that moment, we reminded ourselves—and her—that we want her to experience failure now, while she’s still learning. If she can embrace her shortcomings at this stage, she’ll understand as an adult that failure is not the end of the world. Life will go on, and mistakes are simply part of the learning process. She will learn that trying and failing is a natural part of life, and it’s okay not to be perfect.
Importantly, she needs to know that she can fail and still be loved unconditionally. Our bright, perfectionist daughter must understand that failure isn’t catastrophic; it’s an opportunity for growth. We want her to recognize that setbacks are just stepping stones on the path to success, and that we will always be there to support her, not shame her.
As parents, we often feel uncertain about the right approach, but this strategy worked for us. While we’re not sure if her celebration of failure was so absurd that she’d want to avoid failing again, it seems to have had a positive effect. She hasn’t returned home with another failed test since then. Had I chosen punishment instead of support, she would likely have felt ashamed and resentful.
We all encounter failure daily—my husband, myself, and surely, you too. It’s a necessary part of life. By teaching our children to embrace their failures, we’re equipping them with the resilience they’ll need in adulthood. If I can give my kids the gift of understanding failure, perhaps they’ll spend less time in therapy over such issues in the future. After all, we’re providing them with plenty of other material to discuss!
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Summary
This article discusses the importance of celebrating children’s failures as learning opportunities. By creating a supportive environment around failure, parents can help their children develop resilience and a healthier perspective on mistakes, rather than instilling fear or shame.