If there’s one thing that screams “pandemic-induced economic turmoil,” it’s splurging on a $2,000 Ouija board from GOOP. What do you get when you mix a waning full moon, a tense three-day election, the looming threat of a novel virus, financial disarray, and the ever-glamorous Gwyneth Paltrow? The GOOP Holiday Gift Guide, of course. It’s here, it’s tone-deaf, and despite the staggering unemployment rates and the dire state of small businesses across the nation, Gwyneth is determined to release it. Thank goodness!
Yes, GOOP’s “Ridiculous but Awesome Gift Guide” has made its debut — because the wealthy still have money to burn. And by God, they’re going to spend it instead of, you know, ruining the environment by literally setting it on fire.
Featured Items
- BED, $38,000
goop X Avocado
Simply labeled “Bed” on the guide, which I initially found pretentious until I clicked through to discover its full title: “Bespoke, Artisanal Bed For Conscious Living.” Seriously, it actually says that. The price starts at $38,000, which is rich-people code for “you can settle for the basic $38k version, or you can go all out. - Carbon Negative Vodka, $75
Air Company
This is supposedly eco-friendly, but just wait until you find yourself at a bar ordering “carbon negative vodka straight up” — you might just wish for the sweet release of oblivion. - Ouija Board, $1,995
EDIE PARKER
When I was a child, my friends and I tried to contact a ghost named “Jimbo” using a Ouija board, and it was terrifying. Now, you can buy this high-end version for two grand — a true bargain for a piece of potential lifelong trauma. - Pyramid Commode, $35,000
ELIZABETH PAIGE SMITH
Just to clarify, a commode isn’t exclusively a toilet; it can also refer to a chest of drawers. In my entire life, I’ve never heard anyone refer to a dresser as a “commode.” I was expecting a toilet in this pyramid! What a disappointment. But if you have $35,000 lying around, this piece of furniture could be yours — even while others struggle to get by. - Custom Birth Sill, $7,500
STILIYANA MINKOVSKA
This comes with a full-size man and a real baby, making it somewhat of a steal. - Watermelon Bag, price upon request
Tsuchiya Kaban
This leather bag is designed for carrying a full watermelon. The price is “available upon request,” which can only mean, “You can’t afford this, so keep toting your watermelons in that Trader Joe’s bag with a hole.” - StudyPod, starting at $13,600
Study Pod
As my kids create chaos in our shared dining room workspace, I dream of this Study Pod. If only I were born into the right social class.
For more amusing takes on extravagant gifts, check out this post on Home Insemination Kit. For those looking into home insemination resources, CryoBaby’s at-home insemination kit is an authority on the matter. Also, Healthline offers excellent information on pregnancy and home insemination.
Search Queries:
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In summary, the GOOP Holiday Gift Guide showcases an array of extravagant and absurd items that reflect the stark contrast between the lifestyles of the wealthy and the struggles of everyday people. From overpriced furniture to quirky items, it highlights a certain audacity in the face of current economic challenges.
Keyphrase: GOOP Holiday Gift Guide
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