Whenever the topic of children’s untidy rooms arises in discussions among parents, I’m often taken aback by the widespread acceptance of a seemingly common solution: simply shutting the door on the mess. Many parents claim they allow their tweens and teens to maintain their spaces however they please, whether it’s a pile of dirty and clean clothes on the floor, textbooks scattered about, or even a forgotten slice of pizza lurking under the bed. They argue that it’s their child’s domain and, thus, their responsibility. They believe their teens will eventually figure it out and that, as parents, they must “pick their battles.” I can totally relate to that sentiment—parenting is incredibly draining in every way, making it tempting to focus on other pressing issues. While many parents admit their kids’ messy rooms cause them stress, they choose to just close the door and ignore it.
On the surface, this seems like a reasonable approach. I didn’t teach either of my kids how to tie their shoes; they learned it from friends. I also don’t constantly nag them about the state of their rooms. However, I will never allow either of my children’s rooms to reach a level where I’d feel the need to close the door on the chaos. Call me strict, but I expect my kids to maintain a reasonably tidy space most of the time—especially my son.
The main reason I’m firm about keeping their rooms in order is that I have a son. It’s likely he will one day be someone’s partner, and I don’t want him to reinforce the stereotype that men can’t see or clean up messes. I wouldn’t want my fatigue as a parent to lead to my son’s future partner giving me disapproving looks because it’s clear he was never taught how to maintain cleanliness. Many women in heterosexual marriages have likely grappled with frustration over husbands who seem oblivious to household chores, often due to a lack of proper guidance during their upbringing. Too many boys transition into adulthood without any knowledge of how to manage a household.
It’s important to clarify that the discussions I have with other parents concerning messy rooms aren’t solely focused on boys. Any child, regardless of gender, can create a mess. Yet, when they grow up and marry—especially in heterosexual unions—the responsibility for household upkeep frequently falls on women. Even in dual-income households, statistics show that women typically carry the brunt of domestic duties and childcare.
I want both my daughter and my son to understand how to keep a tidy space. Sure, they could look up cleaning techniques online, much like I taught myself how to change a ceiling fan using YouTube, but maintaining cleanliness is not something you simply learn; it’s a habit that needs to be developed. If I want my kids to cultivate that habit, I can’t just shut the door on their messes.
I have to guide, encourage, and implement logical consequences when they don’t fulfill their responsibilities. For me, reminding my children to tidy their rooms has become as routine as reminding them to brush their teeth, shower, or complete their homework.
I’m not suggesting that parents should yell at their kids to clean their rooms and expect immediate results. Some children don’t inherently understand the process of cleaning; they need guidance, often repeatedly. My son is one of those kids who requires ongoing instruction. My 10-year-old daughter, on the other hand, is an anomaly who keeps her room organized without any prompts. My 14-year-old son would happily live in a complete mess as long as he has WiFi, and he tends to feel overwhelmed when facing the multi-step task of cleaning his room.
Over the years, I’ve taught him various methods for tidying up. I’ve joined him in making his bed and dusting, shown him how to sort toys into “keep,” “donate,” and “discard” piles, and helped him clear out clothes that no longer fit. Now, all I have to say is, “No gaming until your room is clean.”
I also require both kids to pitch in around the house. They help fold laundry, wash dishes, vacuum shared areas, and clean windows. This collaborative effort is vital for living in a home with others, and I want both my children—especially my son—to learn this responsibility now, rather than later facing a frustrated partner who feels they have to do everything themselves.
Clearly, I have a personal stake in this issue, and I’m aware of it. I’ve encountered too many statistics and heard too many complaints from women about husbands who were never taught to contribute to household chores. Perhaps this is something I should bring up in therapy, or perhaps I’m onto something that all parents should consider: ensuring their sons develop the habit of actively participating in household maintenance.
I never want my son to be viewed with the same disdain I reserve for men who don’t share the load at home. I don’t want him to be another statistic or have his future partner resent him for being lazy because he wasn’t taught to help out. I want him to establish the habit of keeping a reasonably clean space now, so his future spouse can be annoyed with him for something more trivial that doesn’t involve outdated gender roles.
If you’re interested in more on this topic, check out this blog post about parenting challenges. For anyone considering home insemination, Make a Mom is a great authority on the subject. Additionally, March of Dimes offers excellent resources for pregnancy and home insemination.
Summary:
This article explores the reasoning behind why some parents choose to ignore their children’s messy rooms, highlighting the importance of teaching kids about cleanliness and responsibility. The author emphasizes that maintaining a tidy living space is a habit that should be cultivated, especially for sons, to avoid perpetuating gender stereotypes in adulthood. By actively engaging in the cleaning process and setting expectations, parents can help their children develop good habits that will serve them well in the future.
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