It’s easy to underestimate the perceptive abilities of our children. When my son, Alex, was 14, something shifted in our household. He didn’t articulate his concerns outright, but his behavior told me everything. He was acting out, defying authority, and arguing over minor requests from both me and his father. His mood was irritable, and he often lashed out at his younger brother for the smallest things. His academic performance began to decline. While I initially chalked it up to hormones, a deeper intuition nagged at me—he sensed the impending change in our family dynamics.
One particular autumn day, the tension escalated. It felt like we were teetering on the brink of chaos, and I feared a physical altercation between Alex and my ex-husband, Mark. Up until then, our family squabbles had been manageable, but this situation felt different. Alex was shouting, tears streaming down his face, confronting Mark with a threat to report him to Child Protective Services if he dared to lay a hand on him. The rage in both their eyes was palpable, and I quickly intervened, stepping in between them.
In a moment of raw emotion, Alex exclaimed, “Something isn’t right in this house! I don’t know what it is, but I hate it! I just want things to go back to how they were!” His anguish hung in the air, and time seemed to freeze. It was clear—he understood something was amiss. Mark, still consumed by his fury, failed to grasp the weight of Alex’s revelation. This was a recurring challenge in our relationship; he often couldn’t see or hear the emotional cues I desperately needed him to acknowledge.
We believed we were protecting our children by keeping our conflicts concealed. We never fought openly in front of them; sure, there were occasional disagreements, but nothing serious. I could count the number of times we raised our voices on one hand during our nearly two decades of marriage.
However, we had been sleeping in separate rooms for almost a year, and discussions about our impending divorce were on the horizon—planned for after the holiday season. We wanted to give our kids one last holiday together as a family, attending Thanksgiving and various parties, pretending everything was alright. We had told them that the separate rooms were due to Mark’s notorious snoring, which was partly true. We thought we were shielding our boys from the reality of our situation.
But that day, when Alex erupted, it became evident that he sensed the truth. Despite our attempts to maintain a facade of normalcy, he was aware of the underlying tension. The smiles and laughter we shared could not mask the resentment and the whispers of unresolved arguments about who was right and wrong. He felt it all.
At the time, our younger son, Ben, who was only nine, appeared oblivious to the turmoil, yet in hindsight, I recognize that he expressed his awareness through different behaviors. He became more affectionate, seeking comfort and doing small chores around the house, trying to mend an invisible rift.
Debates about staying together “for the kids” are common, and in many divorces, one or both parents know the marriage is over long before the children are informed. My experience, and those shared by divorced friends, suggest that this is a widespread phenomenon.
Children have an innate ability to sense discord. They pick up on energy shifts and emotional undercurrents, often relying on their instincts. I don’t want my sons to lose this invaluable intuition, which many adults do as they grow up. We often begin to ignore our gut feelings, convinced that everything is fine when, in reality, it may not be.
Now, both boys are far happier since learning the truth about our family dynamics and adapting to a new normal, living in separate households. They’ve adjusted remarkably well, though I sometimes question whether prolonging that last holiday season was the right choice. We intended to protect them, yet I wonder if it would have been better to be upfront in September, even at the cost of disrupting our holiday plans.
What’s clear to me now is that children can detect when things are off. Afterward, I had a heartfelt conversation with Alex and Ben about their gut feelings. I reassured them that their instincts were valid and apologized for not validating their emotions sooner. My hope is that they’ll always recognize and trust their gut feelings, steering clear of the disconnect that many adults experience.
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Summary
Children possess a remarkable ability to sense when things are not right in their environment. Even when parents believe they are shielding them from conflict, kids often pick up on the underlying tension. It’s essential to acknowledge and validate their feelings rather than dismiss them. Doing so helps nurture their intuition and ensures they remain connected to their instincts as they grow.
Keyphrase: children’s intuition
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