As I sit at my kitchen island clad in my go-to loungewear during this work-from-home era, sipping coffee, and trying to keep my kindergartner engaged with snap words while assisting my second grader with phonics, my phone buzzes with urgent messages:
- “The Governor cancelled school for the rest of the year! I’m in tears.”
- “Oh wow. Not exactly shocking, but it still stings.”
- “I honestly don’t know how I’ll get through the summer. I might need to take a leave of absence from work.”
Soon after, robocalls and texts from the school confirm the news I already dreaded. I hadn’t even checked local social media pages where fellow parents were already lamenting the empty stretch of spring and summer ahead. The uncertainty of whether schools will reopen in the fall, combined with the question of when our lives will return to normal—filled with barbecues, weddings, and casual hangouts—has left many of us grappling with grief and loss.
These complex feelings are familiar to me. My mother was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis (MS) when I was 19 and in college. Initially, her decline was gradual, but as the years passed, I watched her transform from a lively, independent woman—who once worked the night shift at a manufacturing plant—into someone who struggled with basic mobility and partial blindness.
This was both heartbreaking and devastating. As a first-generation Indian American, I was used to vibrant family gatherings filled with Bollywood music and the aroma of samosas wafting through our home. With my mother’s illness, those joyful moments slipped away, replaced by a new, harsher reality.
Planning significant life events became a challenge. When it came time for my law school graduation, while my peers excitedly prepared for their parents’ visits, I received a call from my mother saying she had entered a rehabilitation center due to a severe relapse. The possibility of her attending the ceremony hung in the balance. I didn’t want to show my disappointment, and she sensed my sadness in my silence. Yet she still managed to express her pride in me. Thankfully, she made it to graduation, but I didn’t know until the day before. Seeing her there, with limited mobility, made me understand her hesitation to travel.
But not all moments were so fortunate. A few years later, she couldn’t join me in India as I selected my wedding attire. The bustling streets and shops weren’t accessible, and as I stood in a crowded store, I felt a wave of despondency wash over me. My mother’s diagnosis had altered the course of our lives in ways I never could have anticipated.
Now, facing the chaos of COVID-19, I find that the sorrow my friends are grappling with resonates deeply with me. I’ve experienced this upheaval before. The unpredictability and fear of what lies ahead can be overwhelming. Little did I know that watching my mother navigate her chronic illness would equip me for this unprecedented period. Here are some lessons I’ve learned:
1. Embrace Spontaneity
Embrace spontaneity in planning family outings or events, but acknowledge that things may not go according to plan. Living with a chronic illness means accepting that control is an illusion. Hope for the best, but prepare for disappointment. If things turn out well, like my mother attending my graduation, celebrate. If not, like my wedding shopping experience, allow yourself to feel the disappointment while also accepting that life is unpredictable.
2. Manage Your Expectations
Manage your expectations and focus on the positives. My mother may not have been there in India, but she was alive. Many experience significant milestones without their loved ones to witness them.
3. Release Guilt
Lastly, release any guilt you may feel for being healthy while others suffer. Recognizing your blessings can help you live with gratitude and joy.
Last weekend, we gathered in my parents’ backyard, maintaining a responsible distance. The spring sun warmed our backs while my kids played soccer. My mother smiled down from the deck, enjoying her homemade pakoras fresh from the oven. Later, I rode bikes with the kids, their shouts of joy echoing as they went down a hill. In those moments, I couldn’t help but think of my mom and the resilience she taught me.
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Summary
Growing up with a chronically ill mother has taught me valuable lessons about navigating uncertainty, managing expectations, and appreciating health. As we face the ongoing challenges of COVID-19, these lessons have become particularly relevant, guiding me through feelings of despondence and helping me cultivate gratitude for the moments we do have.
Keyphrase: lessons from a chronically ill mother
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