Let’s get one thing clear: there are various methods to do laundry, and while I might have my preferences, as long as the clothes are clean, can we really argue about the process? Sure, I tend to fold clothes in what I consider the “right” way, while my partner, Sam, has his own less-than-perfect method. But you know what? I’m learning to hold my tongue because the alternative—doing the laundry myself—is far less appealing.
Recently, Sam returned from grocery shopping, and I might have greeted him with a few sighs and unsolicited tips on how to shop more effectively. However, I soon realized that when he’s the one venturing into the grocery store (especially during these times), it’s not the moment to mention that we don’t need three boxes of cookies or to critique his choice in peanut butter. (To be clear, Sam is perfectly capable of grocery shopping on his own, and he usually does just fine.)
I’m slowly coming to terms with the fact that if I want Sam to participate in the household chores and the emotional labor of family life, I need to refrain from criticizing his efforts. (I say “slowly” because, let’s be honest, breaking old habits isn’t easy.)
This realization goes both ways; Sam enjoys cooking, and he’s great at it, but when I prepare dinner, he knows better than to complain if the casserole is a little overcooked. Why? Because he values a harmonious dinner table, and he understands that nitpicking would lead to a lot of cereal dinners in the future.
We can all agree that sharing household responsibilities is essential. Yet, a 2018 survey by the Bureau of Labor Statistics revealed that women in heterosexual relationships spend almost 50% more time on household tasks and childcare compared to their male counterparts.
It’s crucial to distinguish between chore equity and chore equality. As Dr. Adam Galovan from the University of Alberta explains, “Equity means that both partners perceive the distribution of tasks as fair.” This doesn’t imply that chores need to be split down the middle. Instead, it’s about finding a balance that both agree upon. You don’t need to maintain a detailed scoreboard of chores, as keeping track can lead to nothing but resentment—a lesson I’ve learned the hard way.
Every couple has different strengths; for instance, Sam excels at tutoring our kids with their homework, while I handle the kitchen cleanup like a pro. He enjoys grocery shopping, while I would rather be anywhere else. We both dislike home improvement projects, so we either tackle them together or hire help (because misery loves company, right?). The ultimate goal is ensuring that neither partner feels overburdened in managing the household.
Another way to hinder chore equity is through constant nitpicking and holding unrealistic expectations of how tasks should be done. This doesn’t mean you should accept a halfhearted attempt at chores, but it’s essential to recognize that there are multiple ways to achieve the same outcome. As long as you agree on your family’s overarching goals, it’s okay to ease up on the criticism. So, take it from me—don’t harp on how your partner folds laundry (seriously, just don’t).
It’s time to stop micromanaging. Let go of the complaints and the nitpicking. Your partner is an adult whom you’ve chosen to share this journey of family life with, so let them step up without being treated like a child. Allow them the space to manage their responsibilities, and you might find a newfound appreciation for the time you save by not doing it all yourself.
Chore equity feels fantastic—even better than having laundry folded the “right” way.
For more insights into achieving a balanced partnership, check out our other blog post here. Also, for more information on home insemination, Make a Mom is a fantastic resource. And if you’re curious about the medical side of insemination, the Mayo Clinic offers excellent information.
In summary, achieving chore equity requires letting go of control, appreciating each other’s contributions, and maintaining open communication about responsibilities. A successful partnership is built on trust and respect for each other’s abilities.
Keyphrase: chore equity
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