Being a parent is no easy feat. As your children transition into their teenage years, you often find yourself navigating the tumultuous waters of midlife. Alongside the myriad challenges that come with this new phase, you also grapple with your evolving role as a parent to young adults. And let’s be honest, aging is no picnic. As we approach what might be the halfway mark of our lives, we become burdened with questions: Have I done enough? Why am I not further along? Did I somehow mess up my kids?
The truth is, yes, we all inevitably leave a mark on our children, and in some cases, it’s not the kind we wish for.
Recently, I stumbled across my son’s college application essay, which he had printed and left on his dresser. Despite his clear reluctance to share it with me—he had declined multiple requests from both his father and me to read it, preferring feedback from his school’s writing center and friends—I couldn’t help myself. I read that essay, and the impact was profound, revealing potential scars I may have inflicted.
When my son was just 12, I uncovered my husband’s affair with another man. The unraveling of my marriage was chaotic. The transition toward separation and divorce was marred by conflict and emotional turmoil. I was a mess, grappling with the loss of the life I had envisioned for over 17 years. It was a heavy burden, and in my distress, I failed to see how deeply it was affecting my son.
The moments when I struggled to get out of bed, attributing my absence to illness, weren’t lost on him. Children are often more perceptive than we think, and he understood the weight of the situation, which inadvertently placed him in the role of caregiver for his sister and me. I had thrust him into a position he was far too young for, and I hadn’t realized the gravity of my actions at the time.
The comments I made about his dad—though they reflected my feelings—stuck with him. I expressed resentment over his father’s character, and my anger regarding his sexuality seeped into my words. To be clear, my issue wasn’t with my ex’s identity, but rather with how his actions impacted our family. My son interpreted my words as an attempt to pit him against his father, and I regret that deeply. I hadn’t learned that my reality was not his; he deserved parents who loved him and supported each other. No child should be forced to choose sides.
While I wasn’t the best mother during those trying times, I truly was doing the best I could with the resources available to me. Survival mode is a real thing, and I was merely trying to get through each day. However, reflecting on my behavior fills me with regret. I wish I could justify my actions to him, to explain the manipulation and emotional strain I endured, but doing so would only undermine his feelings, which are entirely valid. My justifications wouldn’t change his experience.
Amid my sorrow, my mother pointed out some positive aspects in my son’s essay. He spoke of how that difficult time shaped him into a more resilient person, instilling compassion and empathy. He learned the importance of caring for others while also taking care of himself—crucial lessons for any young adult.
This experience has led me to realize that my children are not possessions; they are individuals with their own journeys. While I am responsible for them until they become independent adults, I do not own their experiences or perceptions. No amount of wishing can alter their reality or how they interpret it.
As I reflect on my past, I remind myself that I did my best with what I had. My mother often said that hindsight is 20/20, and if I could turn back time, I would strive to be a better mother during those challenging days. But I cannot change the past. I can only look forward, hoping to foster conversations about forgiveness and grace, and wishing for my son’s understanding.
Parenting is a rollercoaster of emotions and lessons learned. We’re all just trying our best, even when it doesn’t feel good enough. There’s no manual for perfect parenting, and sometimes things don’t turn out as we hoped. Yet, I believe that everything eventually works out, just not always in the way we expect.
In Conclusion
Parenting is a complex journey filled with heartbreak and growth. We learn, adapt, and strive to do better for our children.
For more insights on navigating parenting and the challenges that come with it, check out our other blog posts like this one on home insemination here and see resources on fertility from Make a Mom or pregnancy information from NICHD.
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