Here’s the unfiltered truth: my father recently passed away. Although he can’t share his side of the story (not that he ever did), this narrative belongs to me. My intention isn’t to hurt anyone; it’s to explore the complexities of loss, especially when it involves estranged parents. How do we process grief for someone we’ve distanced ourselves from?
Context of My Family
To give some context, my parents married later in life. My mother already had two daughters from a previous marriage, and my father had a son. I was born when they were in their mid-40s, making me somewhat of a surprise addition to the family. Because my sisters were older, I often felt like an only child, spending time with their families and enjoying the chaos of little kids. I don’t recall my parents ever fighting; I just knew one day they were divorced.
The Divorce and Its Aftermath
The split occurred when I was around nine. I stayed with my mom (who is an incredible parent), while my father moved an hour away to be closer to his family and his car repair business. I have fond memories of my paternal grandparents—Granny and Papa—living nearby, and I cherished the time spent in that small town, filled with Easter egg hunts and summer adventures.
I was supposed to visit my dad every other weekend, but things quickly unraveled. I often preferred to stay with my grandparents or cousins rather than be with him. While I have a few happy memories of learning to shoot a BB gun and swinging on a rope, they are overshadowed by his drinking. I remember him giving beer to his dog instead of water, which bothered me. It seemed he was more invested in his own interests than in spending quality time with me.
Drifting Apart
Eventually, our visits dwindled, and I would often skip them altogether. I can still picture the time he picked me up from my sister’s house, and I cried quietly in the car because I dreaded the weekend ahead. At one point, he turned around and returned me, stating, “I don’t want her. She cries.” That moment solidified my feeling of being unimportant to him.
As high school passed, he did show up for my graduation, but it felt more about him than about me. He had remarried, and I felt overshadowed by his new family. When I graduated from college, I was the first in my family to do so, but he declined to attend, claiming he didn’t want to get lost. Over the years, he never reached out, even when my children were born. I occasionally invited him to their birthdays, but he rarely attended and often spoke about his new grandchildren instead.
The Final Straw
The last time I saw him, he suggested I bring my daughters to his house, where he mentioned a rope and a lake. That was the final straw; I didn’t want my kids in that environment. Despite everything, I still wondered if he would ever reach out to connect with his grandkids, but he never did.
The News of His Passing
Then, a few weeks ago, I received a call from a cousin saying he had died in his sleep. Strangely, I felt no sadness. I had already mourned our relationship long ago when he chose to cut ties. It’s odd to think that I felt more grief for the father I wished I had than for the man he had become. I realized I wouldn’t have to wonder if he would reach out anymore, as he had made his choice years back.
What stung the most was reading his obituary and not seeing my children’s names listed among the surviving family. Instead, his wife’s grandchildren were mentioned. It felt like my daughters never existed in his eyes. Yet, I remind myself that I don’t have to wake up each day hoping for a call that would never come.
Lessons Learned
This experience has taught me that the death of an estranged parent forces you to grieve twice: once when the relationship fades, and again when they actually pass away. In my case, I’m not grieving his absence but rather the choice he made to be absent from our lives a long time ago.
If you’d like to explore more about navigating complex family dynamics, check out this post. For those on a journey of starting a family, this resource on couples’ fertility is invaluable, as is this excellent guide on IVF.
Conclusion
In summary, my father’s death has brought up a mix of emotions. I feel no grief for the man who chose to be absent long before he passed, but I do feel a sense of closure in knowing I no longer have to hope for a connection that was never there.
Keyphrase: estranged parent death
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