I often discuss how infertility impacts the woman undergoing fertility treatments, but I’ve realized it’s equally important to highlight how it affects the relationship with her partner. Infertility can truly strain a relationship, challenging the very essence of the “for better or worse” promise in marriage. My partner and I certainly faced our share of difficulties. Fortunately, through open communication and a great deal of patience, we emerged from this experience even closer. He remains my closest confidant.
Throughout this journey, we’ve made some regrettable choices, but the health of our relationship has always been our top priority. Well, except for that one time during a progesterone drop. Other than that, we’ve consistently made our connection the focal point.
However, there’s one crucial area of our relationship that infertility deeply affected—our sex life.
As I’ve mentioned, my partner and I weren’t even in the same city when I became pregnant, and I wasn’t alone during the embryo transfer. He witnessed as a medical professional inserted a catheter and placed our embryos into my uterus. Talk about a romantic scene, right?
It’s well-known that physical intimacy takes a backseat during IVF. Initially, it doesn’t feel that way, but soon sex becomes either a means to conceive or it’s non-existent. So how do you transition back to intimacy post-treatment?
When my partner and I first encountered “timed intercourse,” it was thrilling. We had a lot of sex on a schedule, which was fun—until it wasn’t. The thrill quickly faded. What was once a passionate connection became a mechanical task driven by desperation.
Then there’s the pressure on the male partner. If my ovulation test showed a smiley face, it was like a race against time. “Get ready, it’s showtime!” Talk about pressure.
Friends and family often chime in with unsolicited advice, adding to the awkwardness of the situation. My least favorite suggestion was, “Just relax and go on vacation. Have fun! It worked for my friend’s sister’s neighbor.”
Well, Karen, that’s fantastic, but we tried that. I embarked on Clomid, took a trigger shot, and hopped on a plane to Florida with the goal of “having fun and pretending we’re not on hormones.” Our plans took a nosedive when we found out we had adjoining rooms with my in-laws. So much for stress-free intimacy.
Amid the timed intercourse, there were phases when sex was off-limits—usually during testing to determine who might be “at fault.” Men have it easier here; the waiting period is days, while for women, it can feel like years. We lost track of how long it had been since we were intimate with each other.
As we progressed to IUI, sexual encounters became rarer. We had to abstain to ensure the sperm was primed for success, and frankly, I lost my desire to be intimate unless it was tied to the chance of conception. Anything else felt pointless.
And then came the “off” cycles after failed attempts. The last thing either of us wanted was to be intimate while mourning another disappointment.
As our intimacy dwindled, I felt like my body was no longer mine. I was subjected to countless examinations, and it was uncomfortable to say the least. Fast forward to IVF, where physical contact was virtually non-existent. “My husband just looks at me and I get pregnant!” Oh, Karen, my husband didn’t even need to look at me to achieve that.
The intensity of IVF testing and hormones takes a toll, leaving little room for desire. With strict guidelines against intimacy before and after IVF, we were left waiting.
Once I finally became pregnant, I was overwhelmed with fear at the thought of anything potentially jeopardizing the pregnancy. I tiptoed around, terrified that even the act of intimacy might lead to disaster.
With both pregnancies, once I made it past the nerve-wracking first trimester, I discovered I had a low-lying placenta. You know what that means—no sex. So we were nearly 27 weeks in before we could even think about rekindling that side of our relationship.
Then came the six-week waiting period postpartum. If your body is anything like mine, it felt more like ten weeks before I was even close to being ready for intimacy.
Once the doctor gave the green light, I expected to bounce back and dive right in. What a joke. If you’re one of those people who springs back into shape and feels like yourself again, kudos; I’m genuinely envious.
I felt like a shell of my former self—overstretched and over-medicated. How could I feel sexy in front of my husband? I thought physical repairs would help me feel confident again, so I opted for a diastasis recti repair and tummy tuck. Spoiler alert: it didn’t change how I felt.
When the “mommy makeover” didn’t solve everything, I realized it was time to acknowledge the elephant in the bedroom. I had to confront my lack of desire and the emotional wall I had built around myself.
It’s important to note that I find my husband incredibly attractive. The absence of intimacy was never the issue before our IVF journey; I had simply disconnected from my body for so long that I didn’t know how to reconnect.
Once I faced my feelings, it became essential to hear how this journey had impacted my husband. Although it was difficult, it was crucial for us to reclaim our intimacy.
I don’t have a one-size-fits-all solution, as each relationship is unique. What works for us may not work for you, but open honesty is vital. After all, if you’ve navigated fertility hormones without tearing each other apart, you’re more than capable of tackling the next challenge together.
For more insights into navigating these intimate challenges, check out our other blog post here. If you’re looking for ways to boost your fertility, visit Make a Mom for expert advice. For additional resources on pregnancy, the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development is an excellent place to start.
Summary:
Infertility profoundly impacts intimacy in relationships, transforming sex from a romantic act into a mechanical task driven by stress and obligation. As partners navigate the complexities of treatments like IVF and IUI, communication and honesty become crucial. The journey may lead to feelings of disconnection, but confronting these emotions can help couples reclaim their intimacy.
Keyphrase: Infertility and intimacy challenges
Tags: [“home insemination kit” “home insemination syringe” “self insemination”]