My only son, Leo, turned ten this past October. It’s hard to fathom that a decade has flown by since he entered my life. The thought of him being twenty in another ten years is truly mind-boggling! In a mere eight years, he’ll be off to college, leaving me on my own (and if my husband read this, he’d probably joke that he’s not just a piece of furniture).
Okay, I might be overthinking things. Time to redirect my focus to something uplifting — like the fact that my birthday is coming up this month. I have a fun night out planned with friends to celebrate my…40th birthday. I knew this milestone would arrive, and I had envisioned myself sipping from a giant fruity cocktail and singing karaoke to “Sweet Caroline” and “Piano Man.” But now, with only two weeks left in my thirties, the thought of entering a new decade is less than thrilling. I’m not ready for gray hairs and the reality of my baby leaving home.
So, what’s the solution? Have another baby! Wait, what? Where did that thought even come from? Although I can convince myself that 40 is the new 30, the reality is that, in terms of fertility, 40 is considered advanced maternal age. The term “geriatric pregnancy” isn’t exactly encouraging.
However, many women have children after forty—think of celebrities like Mariah Carey, Janet Jackson, and my friend Sarah. So, I suppose it could happen, if the stars align. Yet, that would mean a significant age gap between Leo and a potential sibling. I’ve bid farewell to sleepless nights, diaper changes, and the chaos of toddlerhood. Life with a ten-year-old is relatively easy; why complicate it now?
I think I’m experiencing a midlife crisis. Is it possible to feel this way while still being happy and content? I have a fulfilling job, a supportive husband, and a lovely home. My family is close-knit, and I’m surrounded by wonderful friends. Plus, I’m just a year away from finishing my MBA and enjoy regular vacations. Nothing compares to the joy of being a mother.
But now, my baby is already ten. Each passing birthday means he’s becoming more independent. I’ve cherished every moment of watching him grow into the remarkable young man he is today. He still loves me dearly, but I can feel the shift. His friends are becoming his main focus, and family outings are less appealing. Soon enough, it’ll be uncool to be seen with me, and romantic interests will take center stage.
Sigh. I miss being his everything. I long for the days when he would run to me with pure joy, and I could push him in a stroller. I miss those tiny outfits and the countless renditions of “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.” So, am I simply feeling nostalgic, or do I genuinely want another child? How do I distinguish between the two?
Perhaps I seem whiny or ungrateful, or even selfish for not giving Leo a sibling years ago. The guilt creeps in, especially knowing he would excel as a big brother. Others have made me feel bad about having only one child, but guilt is not a solid reason to expand a family. Being a mother is rewarding, but it’s also challenging, and Leo was no easy baby or toddler.
At this point, I can only hope that this inner conflict reflects my humanity. It’s completely normal to feel uncertain about such life-altering decisions. I take comfort in knowing I’m not alone; many women navigate similar feelings about their family size.
Have another baby? I’d REALLY miss my wine, though.
As my husband and I contemplate our next steps, I’ll embrace turning 40. I choose to live with gratitude and dismiss feelings of guilt because there’s no definitive right or wrong choice. I will remain present and savor every moment with my incredible son because time is fleeting.
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Summary:
As I navigate the complexities of motherhood and the emotions tied to my son growing up, I find myself questioning whether I should have another child or if I’m simply experiencing a midlife crisis. While I cherish my life and accomplishments, the nostalgia for younger days and the desire for a sibling for Leo weigh heavily on my mind. It’s essential to acknowledge these feelings without guilt and appreciate every moment with my son as we both move forward into the next chapter of our lives.
Keyphrase: midlife crisis and having another baby
Tags: “home insemination kit”, “home insemination syringe”, “self insemination”