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- My Mental Health Challenges Sometimes Make Me Feel Unlovable
by Jake Thompson
Updated: March 14, 2020
Originally Published: March 14, 2020
Max Ilienerwise/Unsplash
This year has been particularly tough for me, as I’ve found myself in a deep cycle of depression and anxiety—arguably the worst I’ve experienced in over a decade. When I hit these lows, I often find myself bracing for the moment when my partner will say, “I can’t do this anymore,” and walk away.
Let’s be honest; it’s easy to think that my struggles are just in my mind. Who wants to be around someone consumed by depression? When I’m in a dark place, I retreat into silence, I sulk, and I steer clear of social interactions. My bed becomes my refuge. I’m not the lively or engaging person I aspire to be; I’m merely trying to get through each day, fulfilling my responsibilities while mustering forced smiles and conversations only when absolutely necessary.
I tend to keep my feelings bottled up, particularly when it comes to my wife, Sarah. I fear that if I reveal the frequency of my suicidal thoughts or my feelings of failure, she might see me as ungrateful, especially since we have a decent life—good kids, steady jobs, and enough to get by. But despite our blessings, I often struggle to truly enjoy life.
This may be one of the biggest misconceptions about living with depression: when you’re entrenched in it, it’s nearly impossible to believe that anyone could genuinely love you, particularly when self-love feels out of reach.
Of course, it’s not accurate to say that those with depression cannot find love or maintain relationships. Yet, it’s a recurring theme for many of us dealing with mental health challenges and past traumas.
I’m neither a psychiatrist nor a psychologist; I’m just an ordinary guy with a loving wife and three wonderful kids who battles daily to maintain a semblance of normalcy amidst the turmoil of depression. Most days are good, but during my darker times, I can’t help but wait for Sarah to conclude that my struggles are too much to bear and leave. This heart-wrenching fear magnifies the pain of living with mental illness.
Last weekend, my feelings peaked. I was in a low place, and I sensed that Sarah was concerned about me, but I was too scared to share my thoughts because of everything I’ve described. While sitting at the edge of our bed, with my head buried in my hands, she emerged from the bathroom. I hadn’t realized she was in there, and I didn’t want her to see me like this.
She gently placed her hand on my head, initiating a conversation that I desperately needed. I opened up about my feelings, and then I shared something I had never expressed in our 16 years together: “I’m really afraid that my depression, these dark times, will drive a wedge between us. It’s hard to think about because you are the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
In that moment, Sarah reached for my hand and removed my wedding ring. She pointed to the engraving inside and read it aloud: “Love you forever.” She had mentioned this before, but that day, it resonated deeply with me. Those moments of reassurance are crucial for someone grappling with depression—when I feel unloved and as if everything is crumbling around me, what I truly need is confirmation of my worth.
I can’t say that this one moment cured my depression, nor did it erase my struggles. But it did relieve some of my fears about Sarah potentially giving up on me. I felt a bit more lovable, especially as she wrapped her arms around me in that quiet moment. It was exactly what I needed.
If you’re navigating similar challenges, know that you’re not alone. For more insights on mental health and support, you can check out one of our other blog posts here. Resources like Make a Mom can provide valuable information on related topics, while sites like Hopkins Medicine offer excellent guidance on mental health and wellness.
Summary
Navigating mental health struggles can lead to feelings of unlovability, especially during dark times. Open communication with loved ones is vital, and moments of reassurance can help alleviate fear and promote healing. Embracing these connections is an essential step in managing the complexities of depression.
Keyphrase: mental health struggles
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