“Did you know,” my son declared, “that getting kicked in the groin is two hundred times more painful than childbirth and ten times worse than breaking two dozen bones at once?”
“Really?” I responded, intrigued.
“Yes!” he insisted. “There’s this pain scale called a dol, and a kick in the groin scores a 57, while childbirth only gets a 23.”
I couldn’t help but roll my eyes. This is coming from the kid who calls me at seven in the morning to say he overslept, complains about the mess around the house—much of which is his—and refuses to eat his breakfast all within a single hour. That’s at least twelve dols of annoyance right there.
I couldn’t help but wonder who decided that a kick to the groin is worse than the intense experience of giving birth to a human through a narrow, nerve-rich pelvis. What kind of kick are we talking about? What shoe was involved? And how large was the baby? Who has actually experienced both pains to make a fair comparison?
I’ve been through ankle sprains, broken bones, divorce, childbirth, and the loss of my father. I know pain intimately. I’ve even heard of a Northern Irish term, eeroch, which refers to pains thought to be caused by the east wind in winter. But a legitimate scale to quantify pain? That seems absurd, especially considering the pain inflicted by a sibling’s playful antics before one gives in and shouts “uncle!”
As it turns out, the information online about nut kicks was skewed. The dol scale only goes up to 10.5, and beyond that, pain doesn’t even register. Why they didn’t keep it at a neat 10 is beyond me. Back in the ’40s, they were too busy subjecting laboring women to hot light bulbs placed on the backs of their hands. Each woman supposedly volunteered for this, hoping it would ease the suffering of future patients.
I have to call b.s. on that too. Researchers asked these women how much pain they were experiencing every five seconds during contractions. I doubt any woman could respond accurately, especially on a scale that includes a .5—what does that even mean?
Now, let me introduce you to Dr. Robert Jenkins, who created a pain scale ranking the stings from 185 species of bees, ants, and wasps. He described a scale from 1 (“like a tiny spark singeing a hair”—the sweat bee) to 4 (“as if you’re chained in the flow of an active volcano”—the warrior wasp). His research showed that social bees developed their painful stings as a form of defense against predators.
I remember my anesthesiologist when I gave birth to you, buddy. His name was Frank. I joked that there were probably a lot of baby boys named Frank running around the city in his honor. He didn’t seem to find it funny, which made me wince.
Comparing pains is always a slippery slope. The prick-algesimeter, the Sonic Palpometer, and the dolorimeter are all fascinating, yet none are as effective as the ten yellow faces your pediatrician shows you, moving from smiley to frowning as they gauge discomfort.
Be grateful your mother endured the contractions, my son. And be glad your father learned to protect himself in his youth. Millions of Americans suffer from chronic pain, and everyone experiences the joys of childhood, which often includes a soccer ball to the groin or a broken bone.
May you rise above all of this, free from the myths and legends surrounding pain.
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In Summary
The debate over the pain of childbirth versus other experiences like a kick to the groin is as old as time. While personal experiences shape our understanding of pain, no scale can accurately measure it across different scenarios. Ultimately, it’s essential to acknowledge the uniqueness of each pain and the resilience it takes to endure them.
Keyphrase: childbirth pain comparison
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