When my daughter was a toddler, I had a toolkit of parenting strategies ready for any situation. If she reached for something she shouldn’t, I would redirect her attention to a more suitable toy. When she hit her brother, I helped her understand empathy by encouraging her to consider his tear-streaked face and how it made her feel to have upset him. During those challenging moments—like getting her to eat her veggies or get into the car—I would offer her choices. I learned that providing small opportunities for autonomy could prevent a showdown. If she threw a tantrum, I opted to wait it out.
Fast forward a decade, and my daughter is now a teenager. Surprisingly, I find that many of my parenting approaches remain unchanged. Yet, there’s one crucial difference: the stakes are significantly higher.
Just as we redirect toddlers, we also keep our teens engaged. A bored toddler might wreak havoc with your favorite vase, while a bored teen could find themselves in far more serious trouble. Currently, my daughter fills her time with guitar lessons and a demanding science program. Once that program wraps up, we’ll encourage her to choose another activity to keep her occupied. We also ensure she has a list of chores to handle around the house, teaching her responsibility along the way.
Toddlers are notorious for resisting any perceived loss of choice, and this resistance amplifies exponentially in teenagers. Thankfully, teens can manage a wide range of decisions, but I still present them with options for less desirable tasks. For example, I might say, “Would you prefer to unload the dishwasher now or after an hour of relaxation?” While the chore is non-negotiable, she gets to choose when it happens.
Parents of teenagers know that they still have their own version of tantrums, often more dramatic than those of their younger years. While they may not throw themselves on the floor, door-slamming, counter-pounding, and yelling are common among teens. Just as I did when she was little, I refrain from engaging with this behavior, even though I sometimes daydream about using one of those tranquilizer darts you see in movies. Just five minutes of peace, please!
However, unlike toddler tantrums, teenage outbursts can’t be ignored entirely. A firm rule in our home is that everyone must communicate respectfully. In the heat of the moment, I might offer a chance for a do-over by asking, “Want to try that again?” If that doesn’t work, then the issue my teen is upset about is off the table for discussion. Depending on the situation, we may revisit it later, but a teenage tantrum often results in losing the privilege they were seeking.
The similarities between toddler and teenage behavior go deeper than amusing anecdotes. Both stages represent rapid development in our children’s brains. Children’s brains undergo their most substantial growth from birth to age five, reaching 90-95% of adult brain size by age six. Adolescence brings another wave of significant change, primarily regarding brain efficiency rather than sheer size. During puberty, unused neural connections are pruned while others are reinforced, but this process begins at the back of the brain. As a result, the prefrontal cortex—responsible for decision-making and planning—develops last. Consequently, teens often rely on the amygdala for decisions, leading to impulsive, emotional behaviors reminiscent of toddlers.
This overlap in behavior explains why many strategies from toddlerhood can be applied to parenting teens, albeit with a critical difference: the stakes are higher. When my daughter was little, her choices rarely had lasting consequences. Now, as a teenager, nearly every decision she makes has the potential to shape her future.
With toddlers, parents maintain control over the environment and access to everything. We have years to influence their development. In contrast, when a teenager breaks a rule, our control diminishes significantly, which can be frightening. I’ve spent my daughter’s entire life instilling values like respect and kindness, knowing that the thought of a 16-year-old who disregards my guidance is daunting. The difference between a toddler’s tantrum over a blue cup and a teen’s meltdown over an unsupervised party is vast. Plus, with each passing day, we inch closer to the point where we must relinquish control entirely.
While parenting a teenager may echo the challenges of raising a toddler in many amusing ways, it carries an extra layer of fear. The stakes are undeniably higher, and time is limited.
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Summary
Parenting a teenager mirrors the experience of raising a toddler in many ways, yet the stakes are significantly higher as their choices can have lasting impacts. Understanding the similarities and differences can help guide parents through this challenging phase.
Keyphrase: Parenting a teenager
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