“Just give him a good whack,” my grandmother suggested, observing my son—who has ADHD—throw a fit when I told him he couldn’t watch a movie. I attempted to reason with him, explaining that dinner would be served shortly. As his meltdown escalated, I knelt down to meet him at his eye level and proposed that we take a deep breath together. Meanwhile, I felt my grandmother’s gaze piercing through me, critiquing my every action and listening intently to my every word.
This wasn’t an isolated incident and unfortunately, it has happened more times than I can count. I find myself constantly battling relatives who believe they know the best way to raise my child with special needs. The unsolicited advice and suggestions are grating. The judgment from family is often more painful than that from strangers.
Let’s be clear: “traditional” parenting methods don’t work for children with special needs, yet many older relatives struggle to grasp this concept. They firmly believe that the rigid discipline they used to raise their own children—lacking in empathy and understanding—is the solution to managing a child who is unruly, distracted, or frustrated. It’s exhausting.
The harder I try to explain my child’s challenges, the less they seem to listen. I understand that my son can be difficult to comprehend; the ADHD brain is complex and often unpredictable. However, when I try to clarify what ADHD actually is, many older family members dismiss it outright, claiming that ADHD, autism, anxiety, and sensory processing issues are mere “labels”—excuses for poor behavior.
Meanwhile, parents like me are left grappling with these challenges. We are up late at night reading books like The Explosive Child, learning about primitive reflexes and developmental issues, and searching for treatment options, including CBD oil, meditation, medication, and cognitive behavioral therapy. We’re trying to find an occupational therapist for our child, while our uninformed relatives shake their heads in disapproval.
Listen, we are doing our utmost every single day. Raising a child with special needs is incredibly draining and frustrating. The last thing we need is a naysayer or self-proclaimed expert—especially one who is utterly clueless.
One of my friends, Jenna, has a wonderful daughter diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder. Her daughter recently started therapy and medication, and they were finally seeing progress. But then Jenna’s own father, the child’s grandpa, trivialized the situation by insisting that everyone worries—it’s just part of life. I completely understand Jenna’s feelings of disappointment when our roles as parents are doubted and disrespected.
Trust us, we’ve explored every avenue. A technique that works one day may not be effective the next. Consistency is hard to come by when our kids’ needs are constantly evolving.
Another family member was convinced she had the ultimate solution for my son’s ADHD. She was adamant that sticker charts would be the perfect incentive for any child. When I explained that reward charts often heightened my son’s anxiety, she was shocked. After all, how could a child not want to earn a toy after collecting seven stickers? I even forwarded her an article on the subject to help her understand, but she dismissed it entirely.
Telling my child to stop touching things, sit still, or be quiet is simply not something he can do on command. This isn’t about willpower; it’s about ability. Yet older relatives, and even strangers in public, think they know better than trained professionals and, worse yet, me—his mother. It’s maddening. As if I don’t beat myself up enough already, I now have a cadre of critics scrutinizing my every move and passing judgment.
Some relatives have confidently declared that my son’s high energy is simply because he’s a boy. I’ve heard “boys will be boys” or “that’s just how boys are” countless times. I have to remind them—though I doubt it sinks in—that special needs like ADHD aren’t gender-specific. Not every boy is incapable of refraining from touching every single cereal box while we’re grocery shopping.
Part of the older generation’s refusal to acknowledge special needs stems from the lack of available diagnoses in their time. Now that we have scientifically backed diagnoses, some remain stuck in their outdated beliefs. Additionally, there’s an element of personal pride at play; shame around neurodivergence and mental health issues used to be pervasive. Thankfully, younger generations are beginning to raise children who understand their diagnoses and actively participate in their management.
I no longer tolerate the ignorance from older relatives. I used to stay silent out of respect for my elders, but when someone presumes to know more than me and my child’s doctors, I remember my obligation is to my son. I am proud to be his mother, and I refuse to stay silent or nod along to falsehoods.
My son is a bright, loving, and enthusiastic child with ADHD. This condition affects his emotional regulation, activity level, and focus. I’ve embraced this reality, and we’re working together to thrive. If older relatives can’t support us, then they can step aside. We simply don’t have the time or energy for their outdated views anymore.
In Summary
Navigating the challenges of raising a child with ADHD can be incredibly frustrating, particularly when faced with dismissive attitudes from older relatives. While we continually seek understanding and support, it’s essential to prioritize the well-being of our children and embrace their unique needs.
Keyphrase: Understanding ADHD in Children
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