As I rush to get my daughter ready for school, she asks me to style her hair. I quickly pull her braids into a high ponytail, only to notice moments later that she’s let it down. “What happened to the ponytail?” I inquire, surprised. She shoots me a glare, claiming it looked terrible. To me, it was just a simple ponytail, but I choose to hold my tongue and focus on keeping the morning positive. Still, I can’t help but feel a bit frustrated. I made an effort to help her, after all.
In these moments, it’s crucial to remind myself that her reactions often stem from the tumult of being a tween—caught in a whirlwind of hormones and emotions. As a parent of two tweens, I’ve learned that even the smallest things can set them off, from my breathing to the absence of a favorite snack. Their mood swings can flip faster than a light switch, which means I need to keep my cool and think before responding.
How Should We React?
When tweens or teens mess up, how should we, as parents, react? My initial instinct is often to launch into a lecture. We practice a method of parenting that emphasizes connection over punishment, but lecturing can be just as disconnected. When a child is upset, they aren’t in a place to absorb our well-intentioned wisdom. They won’t hear us until they can calm down. Responding with our own frustration only shifts the focus to our emotions instead of theirs, which doesn’t help them learn.
Effective Responses Without Shame
So, how can we effectively respond without shaming our already vulnerable tweens and teens? One method that has worked well for my family is to engage them with questions. Rather than lecturing, I might ask, “What happened?” and then follow up with, “What do you think went wrong?” These questions encourage them to reflect on the situation and consider possible solutions.
If their actions have hurt someone else, we guide them to make amends. We might ask, “What can we do right now to fix this?” Often, the natural consequences of their choices will serve as valuable lessons without us having to reiterate the importance of good decision-making. For example, if they chose to play video games instead of studying, a poor grade on their test can be a wake-up call.
Learning Accountability
Reflecting on my experience as a college instructor, I often encountered students who struggled with taking responsibility for their actions. They would deflect blame instead of asking what they could improve. I want my children to learn accountability now rather than later. Encouraging them to pause and reflect fosters growth far more than shaming them during a lecture.
Yes, tweens and teens can be a handful. I constantly remind myself that they are navigating a challenging phase of life. While their emotions may be unpredictable, I can provide stability and guidance. By asking thoughtful questions, I’m helping them develop critical problem-solving skills they’ll need as they grow.
I’m bracing myself for the teenage years ahead, knowing challenges lie ahead. However, I remain hopeful that by instilling a culture of reflection and problem-solving now, we can maintain a trusting relationship in the future. For more insights on navigating parenting challenges, check out this other blog post.
Conclusion
In summary, it’s important to approach our tweens and teens with empathy and understanding when they stumble. Instead of reacting with frustration or shame, guiding them through reflective questioning can empower them to learn and grow from their mistakes.
Keyphrase: Navigating Mistakes with Tweens and Teens
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