I’ll be honest: my journey with smoking began in college, during my sophomore year. By my junior year, I was living with a heavy smoker, and we kept our Marlboros stashed in the freezer. Fast forward to graduate school, and I was puffing away like a 1950s housewife—sometimes hitting a pack and a half a day. That’s a staggering amount of cigarettes.
At that time, many of my friends shared the same habit. We would gather outside academic buildings, sharing smokes and discussing F. Scott Fitzgerald. My writing sessions were particularly intertwined with smoking; I often took breaks to light up when the words wouldn’t flow. There’s even a picture of me working on my master’s thesis, enveloped in a haze of smoke.
I finally kicked the habit when my first son was born. I faced severe depression during pregnancy, and while I wanted to quit, my focus was on maintaining my mental health. I was supposed to have a midwife delivery, but when things didn’t go according to plan and I ended up in a hospital, I completely forgot about smoking.
I stayed smoke-free for nearly ten years. However, as I delved back into writing and spent time in my friend Jake’s garage—an enthusiastic smoker—I found myself slipping back into old habits. It started with one or two a day, and now I’m up to five or six daily. I enjoy the ritual: sitting in my chair outside, chatting with my best friend Mary, who also smokes, or connecting with my friend in South Africa. I light up after finishing a draft or when I’m feeling overwhelmed. I’ve become a smoker again, and ironically, I despise it.
My fingers reek of nicotine, and my hair carries the scent of smoke. Some days I find myself outside in frigid weather, lighting up. I can cut back—some days I manage just one or two—but it’s a struggle. The need to have something in my hand, combined with my ADHD tendencies, makes it even harder.
I desperately want to quit. We all know smoking is harmful; the warnings are plastered on every cigarette pack. Statistics show that 90% of lung cancer cases are linked to smoking, and the risk of dying from related conditions like heart disease and stroke is alarmingly high. My own grandmother suffered lung cancer, a constant reminder of the stakes involved.
But the most gut-wrenching reality is that my smoking affects those I love. The CDC warns that there’s no safe level of secondhand smoke. The toxins I exhale contain over 7,000 chemicals, many of which are known carcinogens. My three sons are at an increased risk for asthma, ear infections, and respiratory issues. My husband, too, faces a greater risk of serious health problems.
Even when I try to keep my children away while smoking, they’re still exposed to thirdhand smoke—the residue that clings to my clothes and hair, and lingers in our home. Studies show that even if I smoke outside, the toxic remnants can persist for years in carpets, furniture, and cars.
I’m desperate to quit. Yet the rituals surrounding smoking can be just as addictive. The feel of the lighter clicking open, the act of talking on the phone while sneaking a smoke—these behaviors have become intertwined. And with cigarette prices skyrocketing, spending money on a habit that harms me feels particularly foolish.
I’ve devised a plan. My aim is to transition to an e-cigarette, which releases only water vapor. This might reduce the harmful effects of secondhand smoke. However, the University of San Francisco notes that e-cigarettes can still emit chemicals and contribute to indoor air pollution. Still, it seems like a step in the right direction.
I’ve tried countless methods to quit—gum, patches, and even prescription medications. I want to quit for my health, for my family’s well-being, and to rid myself of the smoky odor that clings to me. But breaking free from nicotine’s grasp is no easy task.
After finishing this essay, I’m headed out for a smoke. At least the kids are asleep.
For More Insights
For more insights on these challenges, check out this article on Home Insemination Kit. Also, if you’re considering starting a family, Make a Mom offers excellent resources about home insemination. For those navigating pregnancy, the World Health Organization is a valuable source of information.
Summary
This article explores the complexities of being a mother who smokes. It reflects on the author’s journey from quitting smoking to gradually falling back into the habit, highlighting the guilt associated with the impact of smoking on her health and family. The author expresses a strong desire to quit while grappling with the challenges of addiction and the rituals tied to smoking.
Keyphrase: Guilt of Smoking as a Mom
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