Trigger warning: Self-harm, abuse, suicide
When my daughter Lily was around six weeks old, I started to feel the weight of my mental health crumbling beneath me. The transition into motherhood was chaotic, and I was desperately trying to keep my head above water. Despite my efforts to manage everything, I found myself silently struggling with feelings of isolation and exhaustion that threatened to consume me.
Lily, a spirited little girl, expresses her emotions with the intensity characteristic of her zodiac sign. I remember those moments of trying to comfort her during her toddler tantrums, desperately trying to maintain my composure amid her piercing cries. Each time my attempts to soothe her failed, I felt my anxiety spiral out of control. I would often find myself paralyzed by panic attacks, collapsing to the floor and pushing her away, tears streaming down my face.
Experiencing panic attacks for the first time was terrifying, and the shame that accompanied my reactions made the situation even worse.
Little did I realize that these panic attacks were not merely a reaction to the stress of new motherhood; they were also deeply rooted in unresolved trauma from my past. In the days following these episodes, I felt like the worst parent imaginable. Each time I lost my cool, I felt as if it overshadowed every positive experience I had as a mother, reinforcing the belief that I was unworthy of love and incapable of parenting.
I often wish I could reach back in time and reassure the new mother I was, letting her know that her struggles were not her fault and that she was doing her best. I wanted to tell her that imperfection is part of the journey and that she was a better mom than she believed.
As the months passed, my panic attacks became more frequent and debilitating. In an attempt to cope with the emotional turmoil, I resorted to self-harm—an unhealthy behavior I had engaged with sporadically since my teenage years, stemming from an abusive household. While I had buried many happy memories from my childhood, the painful ones were always at the forefront, reminding me of the dark times.
After experiencing a particularly intense panic attack while driving, I pulled over and decided to seek help. I found a counseling center and spoke to a compassionate intake therapist who listened to my story. After a few weeks, I began therapy with an incredible specialist in postpartum issues and trauma. The counseling proved invaluable, leading my husband, Mark, and I to attend couples therapy as well.
Initially resistant to the idea of therapy twice a week, I soon realized the depth of my struggles. During one session, as I explained how sleep deprivation led to conflicts with Mark, our counselor made a profound observation: “That’s just the trauma talking.”
Understanding that my childhood abuse had likely raised my stress levels made sense. The hormonal changes associated with new motherhood only exacerbated my anxiety. My therapist confirmed that I was experiencing complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) from extensive childhood trauma. This revelation was both a relief and a challenge, as I navigated my identity as a new mother grappling with PTSD.
With guidance from my counselor, I learned to identify trauma triggers in my parenting. Unfortunately, I discovered a lack of resources addressing this issue, which left me feeling alone in my struggle.
Over time, my panic attacks evolved into severe muscle spasms that led to a hospital visit, prompting a psychiatric evaluation that ultimately saved my life. I began taking antidepressants, which, along with therapy, significantly alleviated my PTSD symptoms.
Now, as I chase after my toddler son, I’m grateful to say that my trauma triggers have lessened. I still experience anxiety and occasional panic, but it’s nothing compared to the turmoil of my early motherhood days.
If you’ve faced abuse in your childhood and are struggling to manage your mental health while parenting, know that you are not alone. You are lovable and valuable, irrespective of your past. Parenting is challenging enough without the weight of childhood trauma, and it’s crucial to seek support and share your story with those you trust.
We all deserve love, healing, and the chance to embrace ourselves fully as we navigate the complexities of parenthood.
For additional insights on parenting and trauma, consider checking out this excellent resource on what to expect when undergoing your first insemination.