One morning, I woke up feeling a bit “off” after an indulgent night at the Chinese buffet. My son, noticing my peculiar pale hue, warned me, “You really shouldn’t go for a run. You don’t look great.” I brushed him off, stating, “I’ve given birth to three kids without pain relief. Trust me, it’s just some gas from last night’s beef and broccoli.” Little did I know, I was far from fine.
What I thought was a minor stomach issue quickly escalated into a disastrous shart — you know, that moment when you think it’s just a fart, but it turns into a messy situation. A warm blob formed in my shorts, and when I reached back to check, I discovered a sizable mound resembling a large order of egg rolls nestled in my running gear. Thank goodness for the liner in my shorts.
I should’ve heeded the warnings. My family knows I can’t handle Chinese food, but I went overboard with three plates. What made me think I could outrun the consequences the next day?
As I was a mile from home, the inevitable began. I had no choice but to push on, as I was closer to a secluded wooded area than a bathroom. Knocking on someone’s door to ask for a toilet felt out of the question; I could only imagine the embarrassment of revealing the mess in my running shorts. The only option left was to find a pine tree, discreetly adjust my shorts, and try to finish my run without further incident.
Unfortunately, that plan fell apart fast. Have you ever tried to wiggle out of your shorts while drenched in sweat during a hot August day? It’s no easy feat, especially when you’re trying to keep a suspicious lump from touching your legs. Those who manage this deserve a medal for their skills.
To add to my woes, using dried oak leaves as makeshift toilet paper was a terrible idea. The mosquitoes were out for blood, and I was having one of the most humiliating moments of my life. I have three kids who specialize in embarrassing me, but this took the cake. After that day, I could never look at an oak tree again without cringing.
As my stomach pains intensified, I couldn’t even consider calling for help, not with the stains and leaves caught in my shorts. I decided to leave the leaves where they were; I was done with trauma for the day. My only option was to maintain a brave face and complete my run, hoping that once I got home, I could take a shower and cleanse my mind and body of this entire experience.
Just when I thought I was in the clear and took off at a slow jog, it hit me again — a sudden explosion that forced me to stop, cross my legs, and feign interest in a rock while cars zipped by. All the while, I was secretly aware my undergarments were reaching their limit.
After enduring a few more uncontrollable urges, I finally made it home to my three lovely children, who took one look at me and froze in horror. “I had an accident, and if you ever mention this to anyone, you’ll regret it for life,” I warned as I limped upstairs. They didn’t laugh; they knew they’d never unsee the chaos their mother had just experienced.
While I scrubbed off the remnants in the shower, my son knocked on the door, saying, “I brought you a garbage bag for your clothes. I told you not to go running.” In that moment, he took on the role of the parent, and I felt immense shame for not listening. “I’m fine,” I lied, while washing away the evidence of my misadventure.
To this day, my kids threaten to share the story of how I had an accident in the woods during a jog. They use it to negotiate favors and even to make me chuckle when I’m upset. This experience will forever linger in my memory like bits of dried oak leaves stuck in an uncomfortable place after a messy incident. If only I had listened to my son.
Time has passed, and we’ve all moved on, but please learn from my experience: you cannot always outrun gas pains. They will catch up to you and leave you with a story you’d rather forget. And if your kids ever find out, no amount of #blessed moments will shield you from their teasing for life.
For more relatable stories, check out our other blog post at Home Insemination Kit. And if you’re interested in home insemination, Make A Mom is a great authority on the topic. You can also find valuable insights on pregnancy and fertility at Cleveland Clinic’s IVF and Fertility Preservation podcast.
Summary:
In this humorous and relatable account, a mother recounts her disastrous experience of running while dealing with unexpected gastrointestinal distress after a night at a Chinese buffet. Despite her son’s warnings, she embarks on a run that quickly turns into a chaotic situation, leading to a series of unfortunate events in the woods. The story highlights the importance of listening to your body and the inevitable embarrassment that can arise from parenting challenges.
Keyphrase: embarrassing running incident
Tags: [“home insemination kit”, “home insemination syringe”, “self insemination”]