By: Jamie Thompson
Updated: Jan. 29, 2021
Originally Published: Jan. 21, 2020
Growing up in the 80s and 90s, I cherished my Caboodle, scrunchies, and My Little Ponies. My siblings and I spent countless hours watching shows like Family Matters, listening to NKOTB, and playing with Barbies. Yet, all that togetherness often led to arguments, resulting in time-outs or, on rare occasions, a good spank. As we matured, my parents enforced grounding us from our landline or Friday night mall outings.
When my husband and I contemplated parenthood, we agreed that spanking would not be part of our approach. But as our first child entered the challenging threes, we found ourselves relying on the classic time-out strategy. With the arrival of our second child, we continued this trend, along with firm discussions about behavior. Then came our son, placing us in the chaotic whirlwind of raising three kids under five.
Four years later, we adopted a fourth child, and shortly after, one of our older kids was diagnosed with ADHD. I had sensed something was amiss long before the official diagnosis. My child exhibited hyperactivity, sensory meltdowns, and extreme difficulty concentrating.
We soon discovered that the traditional parenting techniques we relied on, along with modern favorites like time-outs, were ineffective. Every disciplinary action we attempted—whether raising or lowering our voices, enforcing rest periods, increasing outdoor play, offering rewards, or implementing punishments—was met with resistance, tears, and anger. It felt like an exhausting game of cat and mouse, with no clear winner.
Amidst this chaos, we sought advice from our child’s doctor, who suggested occupational therapy. We were eager to explore this option, but our insurance denied coverage. Medication was on the table, but our doctor recommended waiting, aware of the common side effects like decreased appetite and disrupted sleep. We found ourselves in a holding pattern, searching for solutions.
As we dove deeper into understanding ADHD, we encountered an avalanche of unsolicited advice. Some suggested spanking as an effective discipline method; others advocated for CBD oil, caffeine, or gluten-free diets as alternatives to medication. We even faced a barrage of pitches from multi-level marketing enthusiasts eager to sell us essential oils as the solution.
Our goal extended beyond merely addressing ADHD symptoms; we aimed to foster a healthy and trusting relationship with our child. Yet, we felt overwhelmed, trapped in a cycle of frustration where we were supposed to be the adults but lacked direction. How could we create a peaceful environment and raise a confident child amidst the turmoil?
In my quest for answers, I realized that our response to our child’s behavior was a significant area within our control. ADHD isn’t going anywhere. Therefore, we needed to stop taking our child’s struggles personally. The emotional toll was obstructing our progress. It was time to embrace a new kind of parenting—one that involved both firmness and gentleness, though it felt foreign to us.
Initially, I was skeptical about the concept of connective parenting. The idea of abandoning reward charts, time-outs, and traditional punishments seemed too unconventional. How could a “time-in,” where we stayed with our child until they felt regulated, make a difference? Connective parenting focuses on uncovering the reasons behind behaviors rather than merely reacting to them. I had to shift from being a reactive parent to an empathetic investigator.
One significant advantage of this approach is that it eliminates delayed punishments. Instead of imposing consequences like taking away a tablet for breaking a toy, we recognize the natural outcome: the toy is broken. We also aim to be proactive, identifying emotions before they escalate and working collaboratively with our child to find solutions.
Embracing connective parenting has fostered greater empathy for our child’s struggles. Friends and professionals have shared that kids with ADHD often work harder to maintain emotional and physical balance than their peers. Living with ADHD is an immense challenge, often leading these children to feel bad about themselves due to negative reactions from adults and peers.
Disciplining a child with ADHD through anger only amplifies their frustration. Moreover, it’s illogical to respond to anger with more anger—this only creates a more volatile situation. Traditional disciplinary methods fall short, failing to accommodate the unique needs of these children.
While connective parenting isn’t a magical fix for ADHD or any special needs, it offers a framework for consistency and predictability. Yes, we still face tough days, but the crucial difference is that we now function as a team rather than adversaries.
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In summary, the old-school methods of discipline are ineffective for children with ADHD. Connecting with these kids through understanding and empathy can lead to a more harmonious family dynamic.
Keyphrase: Traditional discipline and ADHD
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