Before I introduce my family to anyone—whether through formal introductions or sharing photos—I typically say something along the lines of, “I don’t look like my family. My family is white, and I was adopted.” This isn’t meant to provoke shock or evoke sympathy; it’s simply a straightforward acknowledgment of my situation. I first remember having to clarify this in middle school while trying to convince a friend that a Caucasian substitute cafeteria monitor was actually my grandmother. “I promise, she’s my grandma! I don’t look like my family. My family is white, and I was adopted. Grandma, come here and meet my friend!”
As I grew older, I began to notice the reactions of those I told. You could almost see their thoughts unfold in an instant: “I’m puzzled. They don’t resemble each other at all. Oh, she’s adopted.”
Indeed, I am adopted, and my family does look different from me. I was among the many babies adopted from South Korea during the 1980s and ’90s. At just four months old, I was the oldest baby on our flight to the U.S. My parents were waiting for me, and the photos from that day show a very bewildered infant. But that’s a story for another time.
I grew up in a nurturing, working-class family in a suburb of Upstate New York, with my parents and a sister (who are both white, while I am adopted). Now, I have my own family with two biological children. Witnessing genetics in action has been a fascinating experience, but that’s another story.
Tips for Inquiring About Adoption Thoughtfully
As an adoptee, I thought I’d share a few tips on how to inquire about someone’s adoption in a thoughtful way without unintentionally causing discomfort.
“Where are you from?”
This question can be a bit tricky for me. It’s often unclear whether someone wants to know my current location, where I grew up, or where I was born. I usually end up elaborating on all three or asking for clarification. If you’re genuinely curious, feel free to ask—just consider being more specific.
“So where is your real mom?” or “So that’s not your real family?”
Families come in all shapes and sizes, including biological, step, and blended families. In my case, my mom and dad are referred to as Mom and Dad, while someone else may call their parental figures by different names. However, please avoid using the word “real” in reference to family. My parents, although not biologically linked to me, are very much my real family.
“So why were you given up?”
Not every adopted person knows their full backstory. I have limited information, only that I was left at a hospital in Korea with my biological mother’s wish for me to be raised by a loving family. Regardless of what I do know (or don’t know), this is a deeply personal question and better left for the adoptee to discuss when they feel comfortable.
“Do you want to find __(insert person)__?”
This is a fair question, but it’s one that an adoptee has likely wrestled with many times. While the answer may seem straightforward, it isn’t. They may think about wanting to reunite but will share their feelings on this topic if and when they’re ready.
“Have you tried those genetic test kits? I hear you can find out a lot!”
While I’m no scientist, I’ve read about how complex mapping genetics can be. Nowadays, you can send in a sample and receive results in a matter of weeks! However, I recommend that unless the adoptee brings up the topic of finding biological relatives, it’s best not to suggest using DNA kits for that purpose, as they already know that’s a possible outcome of testing.
Recently, while watching “Elmo’s World” with my kids, I was pleased to see various family structures represented. The episode emphasized the qualities that make a family, rather than focusing solely on appearances.
In conclusion, being mindful and sensitive when discussing adoption can foster understanding and respect. If you’re interested in more about family dynamics, check out this blog post for a deeper dive into the subject: home insemination kit. For those seeking reliable information on pregnancy and home insemination, Healthline is an excellent resource, and Cryobaby offers great insights on home insemination kits.
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