I vividly remember the moment a former friend told me I was excusing my child’s behavior due to their special needs. She suggested I was advocating for my child to receive special treatment compared to typical four-year-olds. “Children need to learn to live in the real world,” she said, leaving me shocked. After all, my child had two confirmed diagnoses and one pending. It felt like a harsh judgment on my parenting abilities, and I knew I had to reevaluate that friendship.
As I began to navigate the complexities of raising a child with special needs, I chose to focus on what truly mattered: getting my child the appropriate support. We set up an Individualized Education Program (IEP) at school and sought additional therapies that we still pursue today. Yet, my friend’s words haunted me: would all this support lead my child to become entitled or, worse, unkind? I questioned how to provide assistance without fostering a sense of entitlement.
Children facing challenges like ADHD and sensory processing disorder (SPD) often struggle with emotional regulation. They can quickly become overwhelmed, resulting in meltdowns that might be misinterpreted as mere tantrums. Those unfamiliar with these conditions may take these behaviors personally, leading to unnecessary misunderstandings. Nevertheless, I remain committed to holding my child accountable for their actions. I see immense potential in them, and I want that potential to flourish.
The challenge for us as parents is finding the right balance between understanding our children’s difficulties and teaching them respect and manners. To achieve this, I’ve learned to be proactive, implementing various tools and strategies that allow my child to make better choices. For instance, we use noise-canceling headphones and chewing gum, and I carry fidget toys to help keep my child engaged during long waits or stressful environments.
We also avoid situations where my child is likely to struggle. Busy restaurants and crowded stores can overwhelm them, so we plan outings thoughtfully, ensuring they are set up for success. Some may label this approach as coddling, but those who lack experience with special needs parenting likely don’t understand the effort involved. Children with special needs often face challenges that typically developing children do not, necessitating additional preparation and practice before facing difficult situations.
Like all children, my kid makes mistakes. Kids with intense emotions are constantly honing their skills in emotional regulation. I can often see when my child is on the verge of a meltdown. Sometimes, I can guide them to take a deep breath or ask for assistance; other times, it’s too late. When my child lashes out—perhaps throwing a sibling’s favorite toy or an item from the counter—they quickly feel remorse, often breaking down into tears. Once we’ve calmed down, we discuss what happened and I encourage my child to think of a solution, usually leading to an apology.
Even my youngest child understands the importance of making amends when mistakes happen. If a toy is broken, they might need to use their allowance to replace it. In situations that occur outside the home, we write apology notes. We focus on the issue at hand rather than assigning unrelated consequences, which only prolongs the emotional turmoil.
Recently, while visiting the library, my child made an insensitive comment about a woman at the counter. I felt a wave of embarrassment and wanted to reprimand them, but I knew that would only escalate their emotional state. Instead, I calmly asked how they thought the woman felt. They quickly responded, “Sad.” My goal was to foster empathy, not shame, and to remind them of the power of words. We also discussed how to act in future encounters with those who may be different.
I aim for all my children to take responsibility for their actions, and my child with special needs is no exception. They may require more chances to practice decision-making and respond appropriately, but when they mess up, we address it and move forward. I often remind those who pass judgment that I’m not making excuses; I’m providing explanations and, in return, I appreciate an open mind and support.
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Summary
Navigating parenting a child with special needs involves finding a balance between support and accountability. By proactively implementing tools and avoiding frustrating environments, we can help our children learn to manage their emotions and take responsibility for their actions. Discussions that promote empathy and understanding are essential in teaching kids the impact of their words and decisions.
Keyphrase: Parenting a Child with Special Needs
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