Updated: Jan. 3, 2020
Originally Published: Jan. 3, 2020
When the fifth home pregnancy test came back positive, I was stunned—I was going to welcome a third child into my life. At 41, this was unexpected. Even my doctor was skeptical when I broke the news. Given my hormone levels, the odds of conceiving naturally were less than 5%. Yet here I was, defying the statistics despite not actively trying.
For years, my husband, James, dreamed of adding another little one to our family, while I vacillated between “not a chance” and “maybe, why not?” To him, more children simply meant more joy. However, the thought of another baby filled me with dread.
Reflecting on my journey as a mother to my two daughters, I felt anxious about the prospect of returning to the chaotic days of early motherhood. Memories of my struggles with anxiety and sadness made me shudder. The constant demands of parenting had often left me irritable, and the fear of making the wrong decisions drained my energy.
I tried to keep my feelings hidden from my sweet girls, but I didn’t always succeed. I often lost my cool, shed tears frequently, and felt like I was failing at being a mom. Whenever my daughters showered me with affection, I questioned whether I deserved it. Even when James praised my parenting, I dismissed his compliments.
Looking back, I realize I struggled with postpartum depression after my first child was born and again after my second. Shame kept me silent about my overwhelming feelings. I feared that admitting my sadness meant I didn’t love my children or that I was a terrible person unable to find joy in motherhood. Raised to believe that sheer willpower could conquer anything, I avoided seeking help, convinced I could manage my feelings alone.
After my first daughter was born, I juggled a flexible consulting career, unwilling to hire a nanny. I relied on babysitters for client meetings and worked during nap times and late at night. Exhausted and irritable, I was adamant about being the sole caregiver. Being a mom was my dream, and I was determined not to share that role.
When my second daughter arrived two and a half years later, I realized I couldn’t sustain my work-life balance. Instead of finding childcare, I made the decision to leave my job and focus solely on motherhood, believing it would lead to greater happiness. But depression doesn’t simply vanish, even when I pretended it had.
I developed coping mechanisms to manage my feelings. I took time-outs, practiced deep breathing as I taught my daughters, and hired a housecleaner to ease my load. Instead of stressing over playdates or extracurricular activities, I learned to share parenting responsibilities with James. I made an effort to recognize the beautiful moments—my eldest learning to read, my youngest joyfully riding her tricycle. While I managed to suppress my sadness most of the time, it didn’t mean those emotions were gone.
Just as my youngest was about to start kindergarten, I found myself unexpectedly pregnant again. The prospect of sleepless nights and endless days terrified me. I didn’t want to relive the experience of feeling depleted and believing I was failing my children. I knew that if I was going to take on a third child, I would need significant help—a full-time nanny.
Admitting I needed assistance was enlightening, though uncomfortable. Acknowledging the depression that motherhood triggered in me and accepting that I couldn’t handle it alone again filled me with shame. I felt embarrassed about needing help, especially since I would once again be at home full-time with the new baby.
Having the financial means to hire full-time help felt both indulgent and privileged. However, asking for support was a huge relief. With this baby, I would have someone to lean on during the tough times. I could hand my little one to another caring adult while I took time to care for myself, allowing me to return to motherhood rejuvenated and ready to engage fully.
I hired our nanny a few weeks before the arrival of our third daughter. I genuinely believe that having her with us nearly every day for four years transformed me into a better mom. Her presence alleviated some of my anxiety and sadness, and therapy played a crucial role as well.
Now that my youngest is in kindergarten and her sisters are in middle and high school, I’m back to working part-time. It can be challenging to know what support we need as mothers, let alone ask for it. If you find yourself in need, please reach out for assistance. My experience may not resonate with everyone, but the core message is universal: We don’t have to navigate motherhood alone. You can read more about this journey and find helpful resources here. For more detailed insights on pregnancy, check out this excellent guide from Healthline. And if you’re considering at-home options, Make A Mom offers authoritative guidance on artificial insemination kits.
In summary, my journey through motherhood has taught me the importance of seeking help and recognizing that it’s okay to lean on others. Embracing support can lead to a more fulfilling and balanced experience in parenting.
Keyphrase: stay-at-home mom with a nanny
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