A few years back, my father expressed his regret for being preoccupied during my childhood. “I truly apologize for that,” he wrote. “I hope you always understood how much I cared for you.” He didn’t need to elaborate; I already knew.
However, there’s something more significant that I remember vividly. For over a decade, I walked across campus every day after school to visit my father in his office. Upon my arrival, he would be seated at his desk, surrounded by stacks of papers and books. The empty chair next to him was likely meant for a colleague or a student in need of guidance, but in my heart, it was always reserved for me.
Dad would lift his gaze from his work and greet me with a warm smile. Then, in a familiar gesture, he’d cap the felt-tip pen he used for grading and notes. This small act signaled that he was ready to listen to me. Sometimes I shared a few highlights from my day; other times, I would excitedly recount dramatic events from school. He would listen intently, nodding and occasionally offering his insights, always with a smile that communicated how much he cherished our conversations.
This routine persisted throughout my schooling, from first grade to the last day of high school. I can’t recall a single instance when he turned me away, even amidst the pressures of his dissertation, faculty conflicts, or budget constraints. Whenever I spoke, he was fully present.
My father wasn’t perfect. He had his flaws—losing his temper at times, working excessively, and experiencing bouts of depression. Nonetheless, he consistently made time to listen to me. He was never too busy, distracted, or overwhelmed to hear what I had to say.
Contrary to the belief that giving children our undivided attention leads to narcissism, I argue that it fosters a sense of value in their voices. When children feel heard, they gain the confidence to express themselves, stand up against peer pressure, and admit their mistakes.
As I navigate my own parenthood with two beautiful daughters, I’ve committed to passing on my father’s invaluable gift of listening. Over the past decade, I’ve adopted five key practices to enhance my children’s belief that their voices are important. These practices are simple and can quickly become integrated into daily life with a bit of effort. Here are five effective ways to empower your children to express themselves:
- Be Fully Present: When your child speaks, pause and focus on them. Making eye contact signals that their thoughts matter, laying the groundwork for deeper conversations in the future. If your schedule is hectic, carve out specific times to connect, such as bedtime or after school. My oldest daughter initiated “talk time” at age three, and we still cherish that nightly ritual.
- Honor Their Words: Allow your children the time to articulate their thoughts. Even if they’re struggling to find the right words or their opinions seem illogical, resist the urge to interrupt or correct them. Creating space for their self-expression strengthens their confidence in speaking up.
- Encourage Independence: When your children have something to communicate, such as to a coach or store clerk, let them practice what they want to say and then encourage them to speak for themselves. I vividly recall a parent-teacher conference when my daughter confidently shared her feelings about a classmate, demonstrating the importance of self-advocacy.
- Celebrate Their Expertise: Acknowledge your children’s talents and knowledge. For example, my younger daughter once guided me to our car in a crowded parking lot, earning the title “The Parking Lot Expert.” By recognizing their skills, you build their self-esteem and encourage them to voice their insights.
- Respond Thoughtfully to Difficult News: When your child shares troubling information, take a moment before you respond. Acknowledging their trust with a phrase like “Thank you for sharing this with me” opens the door for dialogue and reinforces your role as a confidant. It’s crucial to approach these conversations calmly, so they feel safe coming to you in the future.
Parenting is undoubtedly challenging, filled with stress and moments of uncertainty. On tough days, instead of labeling yourself as a failure or bad parent, focus on one essential action: listen.
Listen with Intention: Your children will eventually face tough situations. When that time comes, they’ll remember your attentive gaze, nods of understanding, and thoughtful responses, reinforcing their belief that their voices matter. This belief can be transformative.
In summary, the most significant parenting action we can take today is to listen actively and intentionally. By fostering a culture of open communication, we not only empower our children but also prepare them for a future where they feel confident to express themselves.
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