As we navigate through the complexities of parenting, I’ve recently found myself facing a challenging phase at home. My eldest child is reaching an age where expectations align with a “big kid” mentality, while my younger ones still relish the privileges of being “too little” for real responsibilities. This is a genuine stage of development, and I’m relieved to know it’s not just a figment of my imagination.
Just the other night, while wrapping up our delightful dessert of strawberries with a sprinkle of what I affectionately call “magic dust” (which, in hindsight, sounds a bit dubious), I instructed my sons to tidy up the pillow fortress they had constructed between their twin beds.
“Could you guys start cleaning up, please?” I asked, a routine request in our household. However, on this particular evening—perhaps due to the post-weekend blues or sheer exhaustion from a vigorous indoor football match with their dad—the boys were not in the mood.
“We don’t want to!” they protested.
“Will you help us?”
“We’re going to use it again tomorrow!”
While I internally screamed “I don’t care!” and “Absolutely not!” I paused. I realized I had made a crucial parenting blunder. I had inadvertently used the two words my spouse and I had long ago decided to eliminate from our parenting vocabulary: “Can you…”
By framing my request as a question, I had turned a nonnegotiable task into a choice—one my kids promptly rejected. In our home, when we need our children to complete a task, we typically say, “Hey, I need you to help clear the table, please.”
“But I need to finish my Lego spaceship so it can fly around the galaxy!” one might argue.
“That’s awesome! But first, help clear the table. Do you want to take care of the plates or the cups?”
After a lengthy pause, an eye roll, and some shuffling of feet, they usually choose a task.
This approach might resemble a special education strategy, and you’re not wrong if you think so. We believe in empowering our children by offering them safe choices while still maintaining authority as parents. When I say, “You can…” followed by two viable options, it allows them to feel like they are in control while still adhering to the rules of the house.
This method fosters a sense of autonomy, helping them understand that choices exist within a framework established by their parents. It paves the way for trust, especially as they navigate challenging teenage years when making safe choices becomes crucial.
While I don’t have any long-term studies to back this up, it makes sense that if we nurture our children’s ability to make positive choices early on, they’ll carry those skills into adulthood. Of course, this empowerment must be rooted in love and support—alongside plenty of Lego building sessions, of course.
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In summary, the words we choose as parents can significantly influence our children’s responses and development. By fostering an environment of choice and autonomy, we help them grow into responsible individuals who feel empowered to make decisions.