As a parent of three kids, I’ve navigated the diverse landscape of child behavior—some of my kids are neurotypical, while others are not. Having spent over 15 years working with neurodiverse children, I’ve discovered what works (and what doesn’t) when trying to guide them toward the behavior I want to see.
When I’m out and about, I frequently hear parents issuing commands like:
- “Don’t touch that.”
- “Stop.”
- “Quit it!”
- “No, don’t do that!”
But my immediate thought is always, “What exactly are they supposed to stop doing?” This is where my little trick comes into play.
Adults can easily grasp opposites—up means down, in means out, and hot means cold. However, for young children, especially those with neurodiversity, processing these opposites can be overwhelming. When told, “Don’t stand up,” it’s simple for adults to think, “Oh, I should sit down.” But for kids, it’s a complex series of cognitive steps:
- Recognizing they’re acting in a way that is unwanted.
- Figuring out the opposite of that action.
- Understanding they need to do the opposite.
That’s a lot of mental gymnastics! If the command is vague, such as “Stop that!”, it adds even more confusion. Are they to stop eating, twirling their hair, or humming? With so many possibilities, it’s nearly impossible for them to know what behavior to change.
So, what’s the solution?
Instead of telling kids what not to do, guide them toward what you want them to do. Here are some effective alternatives:
- If my child is hitting because it seems amusing (thank you, preschool), I say, “Let’s use nice hands, please.”
- When one of my kids is yelling indoors, I suggest, “Use your inside voice, or let’s go outside to yell.”
- If I catch my oldest about to pounce on my middle child, I remind them, “Make better choices, please.”
Providing clear expectations helps eliminate confusion. This approach not only simplifies their decision-making but also maintains a calmer, more positive interaction, reducing the likelihood of triggering their fight-or-flight response—which can shut down problem-solving abilities.
It’s crucial to note that I said “tell” your child what to do rather than asking. If you phrase it as a question, like “Can you please use nice hands?” they might simply respond with a “No.” Instead, assertively state your expectations to avoid unnecessary frustration for both of you.
By reframing our requests, we can communicate more clearly with our children, regardless of their developmental differences. This small but significant change can lead to better outcomes than you might expect.
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In summary, instead of telling your children what not to do, focus on clearly articulating what you want them to do. This not only enhances their understanding but also fosters a more positive interaction.
Keyphrase: Effective Parenting Techniques
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