We’ve all heard the saying that cousins are like your first friends. For many, this rings true, but for others, like me, that just isn’t the case.
For years, I envied friends who shared close ties with their extended relatives. I’d scroll through social media, green with envy at their family dinners and holiday gatherings. But soon enough, I began to see this picture-perfect family dynamic for what it really was—an idealized version I craved simply because I lacked it. Honestly, if my family were that tight-knit, I might not enjoy it at all.
While I sometimes find myself wishing for a connection with my extended family, I’ve come to understand that I genuinely don’t want one. The reality is, family relationships rarely resemble what we see on TV. Even those friends who seem to have strong bonds with their cousins often have issues lurking beneath the surface that we don’t see.
Every family has its factions. There are unspoken loyalties, and family drama is inevitable. It’s often simpler to steer clear of it all.
On my father’s side of the family, I have many first cousins, but I’m significantly younger than most of them. My dad had me later in life than my older half-siblings, who share a closer age with my cousins. Consequently, I often feel like the outsider. As my cousins enter their late 40s and 50s, there’s a newfound push for family unity—someone even started a group chat recently to discuss a family reunion. While I appreciate the sentiment, I have no intention of participating. You can’t force family connections to form overnight.
Most of my extended relatives have never taken the time to really know me. At 33, I’m not exactly a stranger to them. Growing up, I was somewhat isolated due to the significant age gap and my dad’s lack of closeness with his siblings. Social media could’ve been a bridge to connection, but it wasn’t utilized effectively.
Only in the past six years, since the birth of my daughter, have some cousins begun to reach out. Their sudden interest felt disingenuous, as if they were merely trying to claim a stake in the family because they, too, became parents. I briefly accepted their friend requests, but I soon realized I was more than just a new mom. I didn’t want to open the door to video calls and phone chats with people I barely knew. It made me uncomfortable, so I decided to set boundaries.
This is a big reason why I’ve chosen to ignore the group chat. As people age, their priorities often shift towards family, which is perfectly fine. But expecting everyone to share that enthusiasm isn’t fair. Just because some family members want to reconnect doesn’t mean I’m obligated to engage. Their desire to mend past choices isn’t my responsibility, and I refuse to be part of their midlife awakenings.
Does this make me seem unsympathetic? Maybe, but I’m okay with that. Choosing not to pursue relationships with my extended family is my prerogative. We aren’t obligated to share our lives with relatives simply because we share blood. This notion that we must put aside our personal boundaries for family ties is outdated.
Family can be defined in many ways. To me, family consists of those I choose to let into my life, not just those related by blood. With the dysfunction and drama present in both sides of my family, I have opted for distance. I find solace in the concept of a chosen family.
Now, I have a tight-knit group of friends who I consider family. My oldest friends are my daughter’s aunts and uncles, and their kids are her cousins. They offer me more love and support than my biological relatives ever have.
As I grow older, I realize that having extended family isn’t a given. There are countless reasons why they might not be part of your life, and that’s perfectly acceptable. The key takeaway is that you shouldn’t feel guilty for not having a relationship with your extended family. Blood relations don’t grant automatic access to your life.
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Summary:
I’ve come to terms with my lack of interest in forming bonds with my extended family. Despite societal pressures or idealized portrayals of family life, I prioritize my chosen family over blood relations, which offer me genuine support and love. It’s important to recognize that family doesn’t always equate to those you’re related to by blood.
Keyphrase: Choosing Family Over Blood
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