As a young adult, I often found myself in hiding. Any desire that strayed from societal norms was carefully concealed. I was consumed by the need to achieve, lose weight, and present a flawless image, all while burying the messy parts of myself. I suppressed every aspect of my personality that didn’t seem to please others, enduring mental and emotional turmoil throughout my formative years. If only I had an adult in my life with whom I felt safe enough to truly be myself.
Although my parents loved me, they were ill-equipped to navigate the complexities of my teenage years. My father often masked his own discomfort, which made me feel that I couldn’t share my feelings with him. He was so focused on his job that genuine connection was rare. Whenever I faltered academically or in extracurriculars, he would point out my mistakes and even compare me to my younger sibling, leaving me feeling more pressured to excel.
My mother, who devoted her time to raising us, also didn’t always create a safe environment. When I began exploring my identity, her fears would lead her to criticize me for not fitting into the mold she envisioned. Changes in my appearance, weight, or interests often sparked significant discussions that made me feel judged rather than supported.
Now, as a mother and stepmother to three children, I understand how much I could have benefited from parents who learned to be a supportive safety net. If they had shown me the unconditional love I needed, perhaps I wouldn’t have faced an eating disorder or an addiction to diet pills, nor would I still struggle with complex PTSD today.
My stepdaughter, who is nearly 14, is beginning to grapple with her identity in ways that remind me of my own challenges. She ties her self-worth to her academic performance and the approval of her peers. Recently, her father and I made the difficult decision to move closer to family for support in raising our younger kids, leaving her in full-time care with her mother and stepfather. While she has loving adults around her, I often worry whether she feels safe to express her true self at home.
Navigating the tumultuous transition into adolescence is daunting enough without the added pressure of mental health struggles and self-discovery. Ideally, my stepdaughter would face these challenges knowing she has a solid support system in her parents. Yet, time and again, I see her hesitate when confronted with the fear of disappointing those who expect certain behaviors from her.
Through extensive therapy, I’ve learned to create a safe space for myself that I longed for as a child. It’s crucial for teens to experience that sense of security with their parents. They should feel confident that their parents will support them through every challenge, providing a nonjudgmental space to explore their identities and make mistakes.
In a compelling article from Parents, writer Lisa Damour shares a poignant metaphor about raising teenage girls. She describes the need for a “wall” that teen girls can swim toward during turbulent times. Some parents withdraw when faced with their children’s struggles, leaving their daughters to navigate difficult waters alone. This lack of support can have painful consequences, as teens need a safe haven to return to when the waters get choppy.
Every child, regardless of gender, deserves a family that won’t emotionally or physically abandon them at the critical juncture of their development. Parents must remain steady as their teens experience natural withdrawal during this phase. When our children’s desire for independence triggers our discomfort, we must seek our own support outside of them.
Damour also offers practical advice for parents striving to be a refuge for their teens. She emphasizes the importance of recognizing our own emotional triggers and ensuring we don’t push ourselves beyond our limits. It’s vital to encourage our teens to seek support from other adults, allowing us to be a more effective safety net.
As someone who lacked additional supportive figures beyond my parents, I spent years hiding my true self to avoid conflict. I focused on repressing my feelings and striving for perfection rather than feeling secure in my home. While my parents are now trying to rectify past mistakes, it remains difficult for me to fully open up.
I want my stepdaughter to feel free to express her authentic self without fear of judgment. I aim to be an additional pillar of support for her, reassuring her that I will love her unconditionally, regardless of her choices. By doing so, I hope to empower her to create a life that feels true to her.
For further insights into parenting and creating safe spaces for self-exploration, you can check out this related article on Home Insemination Kit, or explore resources on pregnancy and home insemination from Make a Mom. Additionally, if you’re looking for guidance on fertility treatments, this resource provides valuable information.
Summary:
Teens need to feel that their parents are a safety net rather than a source of fear. The author reflects on her own experiences as a teenager, emphasizing the importance of unconditional support and understanding from parents during this critical stage of self-discovery. By creating a nonjudgmental environment, parents can help their children navigate the complexities of adolescence without feeling the need to hide their true selves.
Keyphrase: Teens Safety Net
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