You often overlook it. I know I did. Our parents are constants in our lives, always there, even as they age. They still lend us support (if we’re fortunate), take the kids out for fun evenings, whip up dinner occasionally, and attend the children’s sports events. They take vacations, cultivate friendships, and engage in activities that often leave us puzzled (really, line dancing?). So, we tend to take them for granted—until that day comes when we can no longer do so.
Recently, my mother underwent foot surgery, and as I stepped in to care for her, a realization struck me: this is my reality now. It’s inevitable. One day, I will be responsible for her care, not just for a few days but continuously. I will have an elderly parent, and my role will shift to that of a caregiver, mirroring the nurturing she once gave me, just as I have cared for my own children.
I thought I was prepared. I had witnessed my grandfather move in with my parents before their divorce; he lived with them for years. Imagine the intimacy of your home, your daily quirks, and the freedom to wear whatever you want, suddenly compromised. This is what my mother experienced while caring for her father. She had to take on responsibilities that once belonged to him, including the difficult conversations about driving and independence.
Engaging with an elderly parent can feel like speaking to a child for their own good. They may not always make the best choices, requiring us to step in. My mother believed she could bounce back from surgery without needing pain medication, or that she could return to work within a day. I found myself nagging her, “Stay on the couch. Don’t get up; your foot needs rest!”
But I would leave the room only to find her up and about, feeding her beloved dogs. An elderly parent often doesn’t feel any different than they did in their younger years. They cling fiercely to their independence. “Why are you feeding the dogs? I told you to rest!” I was parenting my mother—reversing roles in a way that felt both strange and necessary.
Think of a child’s needs, but amplify them. Caring for an elderly parent means stepping back into a caretaker role for someone who’s used to managing everything on their own, a role they might resent losing. My mother didn’t simply accept my help; we often faced off over mundane decisions. “What do you want to eat?” “No, what do you want to eat?” It was a tug-of-war over who would pay for food, an effort on her part to maintain some control.
I just wanted her to relax and let me take care of her. My days quickly filled with checking on her, fetching food, and managing her medications. I began to realize that caring for an elderly parent might become a more significant aspect of my life than I had anticipated. Home, which was once my sanctuary, might be transformed into a caregiving space. Yet, amidst these changes, I recognized her frequent visits, where she never complained about the clutter, are a treasure.
One day, I might have to care for my close aunt, too, which adds another layer of responsibility and apprehension. The thought of managing two elderly women frightens me, just as my first pregnancy had. How can I juggle my time and energy, and how will it affect my marriage?
As I carefully wrapped an ice pack around my mother’s foot, I reflected on these challenges. Yet, I recalled the fierce love I felt when my son was born, knowing that I would do anything for him, and that same determination applies to my mother. Our relationship has not always been easy, but the duty to care for her is clear.
You care for an aging parent because it’s what they need, and you are uniquely called to respond to their needs, even when it feels daunting. The call to care may echo from afar, but I will always heed it.
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In summary, caring for an elderly parent is a complex blend of love, duty, and the inevitable shift in family dynamics. It challenges us to step up and embrace roles we may never have imagined, all while deepening our connections.
Keyphrase: Caring for an elderly parent
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