Trigger Warning: Child Loss
As humans, we often struggle to control our initial intrusive thoughts. However, we do have the capacity to change how we respond to those thoughts. Sometimes, we find ourselves imagining worst-case scenarios, but it’s our awareness of these thoughts that shapes our reactions.
My most distressing thoughts revolve around the loss of my daughter. We had four precious months and two days together before she passed away from SIDS. Her sudden departure has left me haunted by a relentless question: What if, God forbid, I were to lose another child?
There was a night when I went to sleep with my daughter, only to awaken to a world without her. The feelings, sights, and the weight of that moment are every parent’s nightmare. It’s beyond comprehension, yet having experienced it once, the thought has become all too real for me.
The shock of her passing robbed me of the peace I once had as a mother. Every moment feels fragile, as if my life could shatter at any second. Unsurprisingly, this intrusive thought alone can make my heart race.
When my children are away, even with their dad, I can’t fully relax. An unrecognized phone call sends me into a spiral of dread, fearing the worst has happened.
A year after our daughter’s death, my husband and I welcomed two more little ones. Many mornings, I’d wake in a panic if they slept longer than usual, rushing to their side with trembling hands, pleading, “Please, God, don’t let them be gone.” They are too cherished and loved to lose. Losing my daughter stripped away the light within me, and I couldn’t bear to face that agony again.
While I’ve always been a cautious mother, I now wish we could live in a bubble, shielded from the uncertainties of the world. The thought of my children leaving our home is overwhelming, yet I know these fears are irrational.
As their mother, my role is to encourage them to soar. I refuse to be the one who holds them back from living fully, but that doesn’t erase the deep ache I feel inside. This fear is debilitating; it steals the joy from my days and leads my mind down dark paths of “what ifs.”
Until now, I’ve kept these feelings mostly to myself, hesitant to share. My family has always believed that speaking about our fears could make them come true, and so I buried them deeper, allowing them to fester. But I’m beginning to understand that without acknowledging these fears, they only grow stronger. Hiding them away does not set me free.
Before losing my daughter, I never lived with such constant anxiety. Yet, despite my vigilance, I still faced the unimaginable. It leads me to think that sometimes, horrible events occur without any reason, merely the result of bad luck.
I feel powerless in this vast world. Attempting to micromanage every situation won’t prevent tragedy, but it could keep my family and me from truly living. Above all my fears and worries, I don’t want a dull life for my loved ones.
We’ve learned how fleeting life can be. Because we’ve experienced loss, we now love fiercely. My kids never go to bed angry; every farewell is special, and they leave the house with their favorite hugs and “kissy monsters.”
While I can’t control my initial intrusive thoughts, I can influence my subsequent reactions. I choose to embrace life, understanding that letting fear dictate my actions won’t build the foundation upon which we live.
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In summary, while every parent has fears, losing a child amplifies those worries into something almost unmanageable. Yet, through acknowledgment and acceptance, we can learn to navigate those fears without letting them consume our lives.