Sharing the Mental Load: A Holiday Miscommunication

Last autumn, I hit a wall. Stress and responsibilities felt overwhelming, and I found myself on the couch, tears streaming down my face as I tried to explain to my partner, Jake, just how much I was managing daily—something he seemed largely unaware of.

You know the drill, right? It’s the “mental load” of family life—the endless tasks that go unnoticed unless they don’t get done. Think about it: scheduling doctor appointments, budgeting, keeping the pantry stocked with essentials, planning birthdays and social events, and managing school permissions and extracurricular activities. The list is never-ending.

So, in line with what modern couples are encouraged to do, we decided to divvy up the mental load. We created a list of tasks Jake would take on while I handled the rest. He would manage the kids’ homework papers, handle calls to service providers, and schedule doctor appointments. We also agreed that family outreach would be divided: he’d handle his side of the family while I managed mine, covering everything from planning family gatherings to remembering birthdays. Simple enough, right?

Well, everything was running smoothly until the holiday season approached. This time of year is notoriously chaotic, and it demands countless unseen efforts to create a joyful experience for everyone.

The Turning Point

Here’s where things took a turn. Jake has a 90-year-old aunt who generously sends us a monetary gift each year before Christmas. It’s customary for us to thank her after receiving it, something I typically took care of in the past. This year, however, it was Jake’s responsibility. I reminded him several times, and eventually, he assured me he had taken care of it.

Fast forward a few weeks to a family holiday party. I approached Jake’s aunt, hugged her, and said, “I know Jake thanked you, but I wanted to express my gratitude too!” To my horror, she looked at me, confused and slightly irritated, and replied, “No, he didn’t.”

In that moment, I felt terrible. This woman’s joy stems from the holiday gift and the gratitude that follows. I quickly mumbled an apology, feeling the weight of responsibility on my shoulders. I even made up some excuse about being too busy with work to handle it myself. I couldn’t exactly explain our plan to share responsibilities—she wouldn’t have understood.

“Well, you could have made time to call me,” she shot back. Given my flimsy excuse, her response was justifiable.

I excused myself to the nearest restroom, feeling overwhelmed and upset. Once again, it seemed like I was the only one responsible for this thank-you. The burden of disappointment was heavy on my shoulders, and I thought, “This is worse than if I had just done it myself.”

Miscommunication Unveiled

After some time, I found Jake and vented my frustration, only to learn that he had, in fact, reached out to her. But guess what? He sent her an email. Yes, an email. He assumed she would have checked it, and there was no follow-up to see if she had received it.

Seriously? This is a 90-year-old woman we’re talking about! It was a good thing we were at a family gathering because I felt like exploding.

I made him walk over to his aunt and apologize for not calling to thank her properly. Thankfully, she was understanding, although she did remind us that we both could have called her.

Lessons Learned

As for our “shared mental load” initiative? It’s still a work in progress. Since that holiday debacle, nothing quite as embarrassing has happened, but I still find it hard to trust that Jake will follow through without detailed reminders. He gets his tasks done… but it requires a lot of nudging, which sort of defeats the purpose of sharing responsibilities.

However, I do appreciate that he’s willing to engage in these conversations and make an effort to contribute. I’m trying to be patient and realize that learning doesn’t come without a few missteps.

Now, almost a year later, I can chuckle a bit about the email incident with Jake’s aunt, yet a part of me still wants to give him a playful shove. Can you really blame me?

Summary

In sharing the mental load of family responsibilities, one woman faced unexpected challenges when her husband failed to thank his aunt for a holiday gift. Their initial plan to divide tasks led to miscommunication and stress, highlighting the complexities of partnership dynamics during busy times.

Keyphrase

sharing the mental load in relationships