Many of my clients and readers express a common sentiment as they try to move forward after a breakup or divorce: “This wasn’t how it was meant to be.” “We were supposed to grow old together.” “I thought I’d be raising the kids without having to work again.” “I was counting on his health insurance, but now I’m lost.”
Does this sound familiar? You might find yourself caught in a web of expectations, specifically, the ones that remain unfulfilled. These unmet expectations about our marriages can anchor us down, leading to feelings of anger or resentment.
Here’s a truth bomb: The reason we struggle to heal is that we cling to what we believed our lives would look like.
Here’s the stark reality: We often treat our marriages like vending machines. We think if we invest enough time or make certain sacrifices, we are owed a specific outcome, a “reward.” But that’s not how relationships operate.
The notion that sacrifices guarantee rewards is a myth, yet many of us, especially women, have been conditioned to believe it. From a young age, society instills the idea that if we play by the rules, putting our partner’s needs before our own, we’ll eventually reap the benefits: a secure marriage, financial stability, and a peaceful retirement together.
But, as you’re likely aware, the equation didn’t work out as planned. No matter how many times you fed that metaphorical vending machine, you didn’t receive what you expected. You pushed the button for that candy bar, but it never dropped. You didn’t get the return on your investment.
How does that feel? Frustrating? Bittersweet? Do you feel like you’ve been dealt a raw deal while your ex moves on, enjoying life without you? “I did everything for that relationship, and now I’m starting over while he’s on vacation with someone else?” Your feelings are entirely valid.
So, what’s the next step?
When faced with unfulfilled expectations, you essentially have two options. You can remain stuck in victim mode, feeling cheated by your divorce. That’s understandable but unproductive. Alternatively, you can take charge and actively change your situation.
Step 1: Evaluate What You Still Have
Make a thorough list of what you possess. Consider your health, your children’s well-being, any income, job security, health insurance, and your support network. Do you have a therapist or coach? Are there hobbies or dreams you’ve sidelined? List everything in detail.
Step 2: Identify Areas for Improvement
For any lacking areas, jot down what you aspire to achieve independently of your ex. If you were counting on their health insurance, explore how to secure your own. If you can’t afford your long-time home, brainstorm alternative living situations. If returning to work is necessary sooner than expected, consider financial strategies like taking on extra hours or cutting expenses.
By shifting your mindset from one of loss to one of action, you’ll reclaim your power. This transformation not only helps you break free from feelings of helplessness but also sets a powerful example for your children. They observe how you navigate this crisis, even if they don’t fully understand it.
It’s essential to empower yourself and take control of your future, regardless of the unexpected changes in your life. Spending time lamenting what could have been won’t serve you; instead, focus on your path forward.
This process builds resilience and uncovers your inherent strength. By prioritizing your own goals and independence, you’ll take charge of your destiny.
For more insights on navigating these challenges, check out this other blog post. You can also explore this excellent resource on pregnancy and home insemination, which could be helpful in your journey. Additionally, visit this site to learn more about couples’ fertility journeys.
Summary:
Viewing marriages as vending machines can hinder recovery after divorce by fostering unrealistic expectations. Instead, it’s crucial to shift focus from what was lost to what can be achieved. By assessing your current resources and actively seeking improvements, you can reclaim control and build a fulfilling future.
Keyphrase: moving on after divorce
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