I was raised in Nashville, Tennessee, the heart of the True Love Waits movement in the ’90s. Purity culture was in full swing, and my upbringing was steeped in conservative churches and Christian educational settings. My daily life revolved around a strict religious framework, leaving little room for any perspective outside of a defined Christian worldview. I was the perfect target for this ideology, and I wholeheartedly embraced its sexist and patriarchal tenets.
Abstinence pledges were commonplace, and purity rings adorned countless young fingers. Some fathers and daughters even participated in “purity balls,” where they dressed up and young girls made promises to their dads to stay sexually pure until marriage. One deeply troubling aspect of this movement was its outright exclusion and condemnation of the LGBTQ community, which eventually pushed me to reassess how purity culture had influenced my heart and mind.
I might not be able to erase the scars left by purity culture, but I can ensure that my children are spared from its grasp.
When my father came out as gay in my late 20s, I was taken aback. I had suspected it for a while, but I thought I had already shaken off my conservative beliefs about sexuality and sin. Yet, my immediate reaction was a wave of fear for his eternal soul. Why did I feel that way? This realization forced me to confront the biases that purity culture had ingrained in me. If I truly wanted to support and love my dad, I had to dismantle these harmful ideas that lingered in my mind. The remnants of purity culture had shaped my understanding of sex, sexuality, gender, and sexual expression. It was time for a change.
Here’s what I’ve come to understand about my experience with purity culture:
- It Promoted Unrealistic Standards of Purity
Purity culture imposed a doctrine that equated sexual thoughts with actual actions. The belief was that any sexual thought or feeling was sinful, leaving me feeling unworthy of true purity unless I could control my thoughts completely. I was led to believe that sexuality was only permissible within marriage. - It Elevated Virginity to an Identity
I received praise for my commitment to sexual purity, which became a significant part of my self-worth. I even traveled with an organization promoting abstinence, believing I was fulfilling a divine purpose. However, after marrying and having sex for the first time, I felt a profound emptiness. If my virginity had defined me, who was I now? Instead of a reward, sex felt steeped in shame. - It Contributed to a Negative Self-Image
As a plus-sized woman, the messages I absorbed from purity culture were confusing. I was told my body was both inherently alluring and something to hide. Simultaneously, society told me my weight rendered me undesirable. This conflicting narrative left me grappling with my self-worth and body image. I’ve worked hard to find peace with my body, yet the effects of those early teachings linger. - It Created Unrealistic Expectations for Marriage and Sex
The leaders of the purity movement promised that abstaining from sex would lead to a blissful marriage filled with magical experiences. However, the reality was far from that ideal. Our wedding night was memorable but not the transcendent experience I had been led to expect. The shame attached to sex left lasting scars, affecting countless individuals like me. - It Caused Widespread Harm
I genuinely believe that those who promoted purity culture thought they were doing the right thing. Their intentions were not malicious, yet the damage they caused was undeniable. Attaching shame to sex has affected many lives. I can only imagine the pain LGBTQ individuals faced under these teachings. The trauma experienced by survivors of sexual abuse within this framework must have been unbearable. - My Children Will Not Be Subjected to Purity Culture
While I cannot change my past, I can ensure my children are not ensnared by the same beliefs. I am committed to fostering an environment where they understand their bodies belong to them. We engage in age-appropriate conversations about sex and consent, emphasizing their autonomy.
When my kids choose to explore their sexuality, I want them to know they can turn to me for support, education, and guidance. I hope they wait until they are mature enough to handle relationships, but I will not impose rigid rules that shame them for their natural desires. That mindset caused me significant harm.
Reflecting on my own experience, I feel robbed of the authentic intimacy I could have shared with my husband. We were conditioned to suppress our feelings in the name of purity, missing out on the beauty of genuine connection. The rules we followed came at a steep price.
In conclusion, the damage inflicted by purity culture is profound, and I refuse to let it continue in my family.
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