Sometimes, it seems like my kids understand me on a deeper level than anyone else. They might not be aware of my career milestones or my educational background, but they’ve witnessed me in vulnerable moments—when I’m feeling unwell or acting silly in ways that only a parent does in front of their little ones. Of course, they’ve barged into the bathroom on countless occasions, as kids often do with their moms. (That’s a side of me I’d prefer to keep private.) They’ve seen me angry and then apologizing, as well as moments when I’ve shed tears. The two older ones were there when I had a C-section for their younger sister, a time when I was at my most physically fragile. They’ve also observed me navigating the emotional challenges of divorce.
When the time came for me to come out, I was in my late twenties—a bit later than most people. Friends and family had known me for years without realizing this aspect of my life, and many were taken aback, confused, or even upset. However, I didn’t give much thought to coming out to my children, who were then 2, 4, and 5 years old. To me, it felt as though they already had an inkling.
As their father and I were separating for reasons unrelated to my sexuality, it felt like the perfect opportunity to embrace my authentic self. When their dad began dating again, my children started asking innocent questions, mistakenly believing that seeing him kiss someone new meant he was getting remarried. They soon wondered if I would find love again, too.
One day, while driving to the park with my kids and their friend, I overheard them chatting. “Your dad has a girlfriend?” the friend inquired. “Mine does too.” I was relieved to see my kids connecting with him. Their friend’s parents had been separated since he was born, and he seemed well-adjusted and comfortable discussing his situation. He shared how much he enjoyed having two homes and how both his parents loved him deeply.
Then, the friend asked, “So is your mom going to date another man?” I couldn’t help but notice my sons giggling. My oldest chimed in, “No… I think my mom is going to have a girlfriend.” I was taken aback by their perceptiveness. They had met my girlfriend, but I had only introduced her as a friend, keeping my affection in check.
“Mom, do you have a girlfriend now?” my oldest shouted from the back seat.
“Yes, I do,” I replied, a bit surprised.
“SEE!” he exclaimed to his brother and their friend.
“Who is it??” he yelled back. I told him, and he responded, “Oh that’s great. She’s great. I like her a lot.” And that was it.
Coming out to my children was surprisingly easy. They know me, trust me, and love me without question. Unlike some adults, they didn’t ask, “Are you sure?” or “What if you change your mind?” Kids don’t think that way. I simply told them who I am, and they embraced it because they love me for who I am. I’m still the mom who stays up late making their Halloween costumes, invents silly games, and comforts them when they’re scared. They don’t care whom I love; they just want me to be happy.
Children aren’t born with prejudice or homophobia. In contrast, some adults I’ve confided in have reacted differently, questioning my certainty about my identity. They’ve suggested I might just be bisexual or insinuated that perhaps I didn’t like my ex-husband enough. One friend expressed feeling deceived because I hadn’t shared this part of my life sooner. How could I have divulged something I wasn’t even sure about until my mid-twenties? By that point, I was married with kids and didn’t want to hurt anyone. I felt guilty for not recognizing my true self earlier, but now I was trying to live authentically while facing criticism for not doing so sooner.
I married my ex-husband at 22, which is younger than most LGBTQ women I know when they come out. At that time, I had no idea who I was, especially with society dictating what was acceptable. Now, however, I feel more certain than ever. While the negative reactions from adults were hurtful, they were more than healed by the unconditional love and acceptance from my children.
Now, they get to witness me as my true self, which is the greatest gift I can offer them. If you’re interested in exploring more about family dynamics and parenting in similar situations, you might find our other blog post on home insemination insightful.
In conclusion, the love and trust of my children have made the journey of self-discovery worthwhile.
Keyphrase: Coming out to kids
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