Dear Kids,
It’s time we have a little chat about our family dynamics. We’re a bit quirky, and perhaps we tend to overshare with those we don’t really know. I’ve come to realize that while we might be more common than I think, other families have definitely taught their children about the appropriateness of certain topics and language in public settings. A recent incident made this quite clear.
The other day at the restaurant, when the hostess handed us the pager, one of you gleefully yelled, “It’s my turn to hold the vibrator!” I knew then it was essential to address this. I sincerely hope you have no idea what a vibrator is, and you were merely excited about the cool gadget under your shirt. But maybe, just maybe, we should avoid putting these devices in our clothing. Who knows where they’ve been?
So, let’s practice a little discretion. Lowering our voices in public places could be a great start. If we could refrain from shouting and save our comments for moments when we truly know what we’re discussing, that would be a huge relief for me.
And I get it, you get thrilled when I buy you a new toothbrush because I’m always reminding you to clean those little teeth of yours. However, if I have to make a quick trip to the restroom before we leave the store, it’s not the right time to whip out your new toothbrush and start brushing at the water fountain. Following instructions is crucial in situations like these — trust me on this.
I know I chuckled when you announced you had to take a “Trump dump” before heading off for a prolonged bathroom break, but when I asked you not to repeat it, I meant it. Even if I struggled to contain my laughter, it was inappropriate to share that again during our dinner with guests. Let’s keep some family jokes within our walls. We want to maintain good relationships with our friends, after all.
I understand it was quite a surprise for you when you barged in on me last year while I was having a moment of personal reflection. I explained what was happening, but it’s a story that doesn’t need to be retold. Just like the time when your dad was on the couch, moaning and groaning post-surgery. You compared his situation to our puppy’s procedure, which was amusing, but your phrasing about “his balls being chopped off” wasn’t quite right. In such matters, please check with us before sharing any details.
I appreciate that hissing when upset has become a fun way for you to express your feelings, but let’s reserve that for each other and not direct it toward adults, especially your teachers.
Your age has now moved beyond the phase where we can use childhood innocence as an excuse for oversharing and making everyone around us feel uncomfortable. Let’s aim for a fresh start. We can still embrace our quirkiness but let’s keep it within our family. This will not only save me from cringing in public but might also lead to more social invitations, which could be just as entertaining as the occasional embarrassment you cause me.
If we can accomplish this, I promise to yell less and save some money on the wine I frequently rely on for coping.
We can do this, kids.
Love,
Mom