I encountered a striking quote today: “The violence we instill in our sons under the guise of teaching them to ‘Be Men’ is the same that keeps us anxious about our daughters.” Though I don’t know the author, the sentiment resonates deeply.
We’ve all witnessed the images of “protective” fathers when their daughters prepare for dates, prom nights, or the first introduction of a boyfriend. These fathers often stand proudly on the porch, rifle in hand, chest puffed out. While some view it as playful or a loving gesture, to me, it signifies a troubling normalization of violence and toxic masculinity. As a conscious Black mother raising both a son and a daughter, I can’t accept this portrayal in any form.
The reason this image frustrates me is personal: I have a son. The thought of someone approaching him with a gun makes my stomach churn. Coupled with the stories I heard growing up about the mistreatment and threats faced by young Black boys, it triggers a fury within me. Take Emmett Till, for instance—a mere 14-year-old boy who was horrifically taken from this world for allegedly whistling at a white woman. This tragedy underscores how the protection of white women has historically come at the expense of Black boys’ lives.
Fathers of color have long sought to emulate the protective roles that white fathers assume for their children. Yet, women of color, particularly Black women, often find themselves lacking that same level of protection, even within their families. The legal system has not been a sanctuary for us, either. That history weighs heavily on my mind as I consider the vulnerabilities my daughter faces.
The image of dads with guns is often justified as an act of love, but I see it as a perpetuation of violence and toxic masculinity. These men have learned that intimidation is a pathway to their desires and will likely raise sons who adopt the same mindset. What safeguards my daughter from the repercussions of that mindset?
Men who control their daughters often extend that sense of ownership to their partners, stemming from patriarchal beliefs that undervalue women’s autonomy. Unfortunately, these experiences are even more pronounced for Black women, who are socialized to feel like property—owned by their fathers, partners, and society, but rarely by themselves.
It took decades for the truth about Emmett Till’s innocence to be acknowledged, but that acknowledgment does little to heal the wounds of violence inflicted upon him and the broader Black community. Each time his story is recounted, it serves as a reminder of how toxic masculinity and misguided notions of protection often lead to exclusion and harm. When you add racism into the mix, it compounds the fears that weigh on a Black mother’s heart.
Parents need to feel secure that they have equipped their children to think critically and choose positive relationships. I’m here to support my kids when they face challenges, but I refuse to make choices for them. I don’t want my daughter to rely on a weapon for protection; I want her to be respected and to have equitable opportunities regardless of her relationships. Equally, I want my son to forge connections without the fear of being wrongly perceived or harmed.
Violence breeds lasting trauma, and no relationship is worth the toll that fear and intimidation take on my son. All those social media posts glamorizing fathers with guns? They’re not charming; they highlight some of society’s darkest facets and remind us that male dominance can lead to devastating outcomes.
Women deserve to feel secure, no matter their proximity to men. Young boys shouldn’t grow up believing that their first date could involve a threat of violence. These are the thoughts that preoccupy me, but I firmly believe that my children will thrive with more equality, reduced violence, and a commitment to dismantling discrimination—far more than any “protection” a firearm can offer.
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In summary, as a mother of Black children, I grapple with the fear instilled by societal norms surrounding masculinity and violence. I advocate for a world where my children can thrive without the shadow of intimidation.
Keyphrase: Gun-Toting Dads and Black Children
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