Recently, my 8-year-old son unbuttoned his new short-sleeved shirt for his Halloween costume, leaving it open to reveal his bare chest. Watching him admire himself in the mirror, he exclaimed, “I’m just like those pride boys!” It took a moment for me to understand he was referencing the spirited individuals we see at Pride events, often showcasing their chests, adorned only with a Pride flag draped over them. Many of these young men and transmasculine individuals proudly display their scars from gender-affirming surgeries. Celebrating this transition is a privilege of the Pride space, a truth I deeply understand as a transgender parent.
“Soon, I’ll be able to do that too,” I replied.
“Mama! Won’t that be strange?” he asked, scrunching his nose. This reaction didn’t hurt me; I recognize that my journey is my own, not contingent on anyone’s approval. However, I do desire my children’s support. My identity as a transgender person is intertwined with their story, and as we navigate this path together, there are continuous moments of learning and redefinition.
“Once I have my top surgery and no longer have breasts, I can definitely show off my chest,” I shared.
He remained uncertain. I reassured him that I understood his concerns. The scars from my double incision mastectomy, although intended to create a masculine appearance, will take time for both of us to adjust to. He is also aware that it takes some people longer to recognize my nonbinary identity; he knows that I am still sometimes perceived as a girl, and that societal norms dictate that girls shouldn’t reveal their chests. I emphasized that breasts are nothing to be ashamed of; the expectation to hide them stems from societal pressures that unfairly target girls and women.
Though he wasn’t completely at ease, he was open to understanding. My children had similarly responded when I came out as nonbinary. For many years, I grappled with my identity, contemplating whether I was a transgender man, but that label never felt entirely right. It wasn’t until I discovered the term nonbinary that I realized I encompass elements of both genders. I now ask my children, as well as others, to use gender-neutral pronouns they/them when addressing me.
I came to terms with my gender identity later in life—at 39, in fact. While it may seem late, it’s never too late to embrace one’s true self and live authentically. Compared to coming out as gay in my teenage years, revealing my transgender identity felt daunting. I had spent nearly four decades being recognized as female, yet I had long felt that label did not suit me. My transition not only impacts me but also my three children who call me “Mama,” making any changes I pursue significant for them as well.
They have been remarkably supportive, but I am acutely aware that having a visible transgender parent—especially one using pronouns that can unsettle others—requires my kids to be out about it too. Their teachers and peers are expected to use my correct pronouns, and they often correct others or choose to ignore misgendering. I don’t place the onus of advocacy on them, but I do ask for their respect and encourage them to avoid reverting to female pronouns, even in casual conversation.
Adjusting to my pronouns has taken practice, yet they are getting quite adept at correcting themselves and each other. When I first transitioned in my identity, my kids eagerly asked if they could still call me Mama. I needed them to accept me in this new light while assuring them that I would always be their mom.
The term “Mama” is often perceived as feminine, just like my name, Amber. Yet, as a masculine-presenting nonbinary person, hearing my children call me that brings me immense joy. It’s a term of affection that encapsulates the incredible role I play as their parent. Sure, there are moments when their enthusiastic calls of “Mama!” make me want to hide, but mostly, their acknowledgment of me as their mother doesn’t detract from my identity.
“When are you getting your breasts removed?” my son asked.
“On October 29th,” I replied.
He brightly suggested, “We should have a Boob Voyage party!”
“That sounds fantastic!”
“Oh! And we want your breasts turned into little pillows!”
“Noted,” I laughed.
There’s no singular approach to transitioning; transgender individuals aren’t required to fulfill any social or medical criteria to be deemed “transgender enough.” My transition involves both social and medical changes that affect my children, leading me to engage in thoughtful conversations about pronouns, labels, and surgery. While I occasionally worry about overwhelming them, our experience has been filled with normalcy and celebration. After all, who doesn’t want a breast pillow?
Ultimately, my children are thriving, and I am too. Transitioning to my authentic self enriches all of our lives.
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Summary
In this heartfelt narrative, Jamie Parker shares the journey of parenting as a transgender individual in the midst of transitioning. Through candid conversations with their children, Jamie navigates the complexities of identity and societal expectations while fostering understanding and acceptance within the family. The story highlights the importance of support, love, and the unique experiences of being both a parent and a member of the transgender community.
Keyphrase: transgender parenting in transition
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