We were utterly fatigued. Just a day after welcoming our newborn, we found ourselves in a state far from home, navigating the intricate process known as ICPC. This agreement between the state where we adopted our child and our resident state was crucial to ensure our adoption was legitimate. Until both states gave their approval, we were stuck in Missouri. As a result, I was missing the critical final week of the semester—a time right before I was set to give a final exam to my seventy college writing students. Meanwhile, my husband was busy with his job at an accounting firm.
The ICPC process can drag on for days, weeks, or, in some cases, months. It’s excruciatingly slow. Adoptive parents often find themselves at the mercy of various officials, including government workers, social workers, and lawyers.
Fortunately, unlike many others, we had a rare benefit: my husband’s job provided paid adoption leave—not just for a few days but a total of four weeks. However, even now, more than a decade later, most employers do not extend the same maternity or paternity benefits to adoptive parents that they offer to those who have biological children. This disparity is unjust.
Some may wonder why adoptive parents warrant equal leave when they haven’t experienced pregnancy or childbirth. After all, we don’t endure the physical recovery that comes with giving birth. However, it’s essential to recognize that adoptive parents need time to bond with their new child, as this relationship-building doesn’t happen during gestation. Nicole Adams, the director of Family Connections, explains that bonding time is critical, especially for older children who may already have experienced instability in their lives.
For nine months, my four biological children became acquainted with their birth mothers, learning their voices and rhythms. This connection is abruptly severed when a child transitions from their birth mother to their adoptive family. Some in the adoption community refer to this separation as “the primal wound,” which can potentially have long-lasting effects on the child.
Children adopted from foster care, orphanages, or group homes often come with their own set of challenges and need time to adapt to their new surroundings. If adoptive parents are compelled to return to work mere days—sometimes even hours—after bringing their child home, how can genuine bonding occur?
Nicole also points out that parents must adjust emotionally to the addition of a new family member, establishing a routine that includes not just the adoptee but also any siblings. The unpredictable nature of adoption can make this transition even more challenging.
In our case, one moment I was painting my kitchen, and the next, I was in the car, heading to meet my new daughter. We had all the essentials thanks to a generous baby shower, but we were not yet parents. I didn’t experience cravings, sonograms, or gender reveal parties; my leap into motherhood was sudden and unexpected.
The day we met our daughter was surreal. After signing paperwork with our social worker at our hotel, we were directed to the interim care parent’s home. As the door swung open, a friendly voice greeted me, saying, “She’s hungry and needs a diaper change, Mom!” In that moment, reality hit—I was a mother.
Due to ICPC regulations, we spent about five days after gaining custody of our daughter in a friend’s house and then a hotel. We devoted hours to holding, feeding, and bathing her, learning her quirks and preferences. Those early days were invaluable.
Many families choose to cocoon with their new child, isolating themselves to focus solely on building their bond. However, for this to happen, parents often need paid leave or substantial savings. Opting for three months of unpaid leave after incurring hefty adoption costs is simply not feasible for many.
Sadly, my husband’s company eliminated paid adoption leave for our subsequent children, meaning he had to use all his vacation days to navigate the ICPC process. This left us with no time for sick days, doctor’s appointments, or extended holiday weekends. It was manageable only because his workplace values flexibility and family. In contrast, many of the moms in my adoption support group lack similar options.
When we adopted our fourth child, just weeks before her arrival, my husband’s company reinstated paid adoption leave. Once again, he received four weeks to manage the ICPC process and bond with our newborn. This time, we also had three other children who needed to adjust to their new sister.
Those weeks were precious. We stayed at a friend’s house for a week, then moved to a hotel in St. Louis before finally getting permission to go home. We kept our other kids home from school for a few days, visiting a local apple farm, relaxing, and allowing them to bond with their new sister. It was a gift.
Nicole reminds us that the lack of paid adoption leave is also an issue because parents need time to manage practical matters, such as securing childcare for their adoptee. Childcare facilities often have long waitlists, and finding a qualified babysitter or nanny can be time-consuming. If parents must return to work, who will care for the child? Moreover, many daycares do not accept infants under six weeks. When adopting a newborn, who will care for the child during that crucial period? It’s beneficial for parents to utilize this time for bonding.
Adoptive parents of children with special needs also require time to connect their children with appropriate healthcare professionals, set up IEP plans for school, and help them acclimate to a new environment. These processes can take weeks, months, or even years. Paid leave would allow parents to ensure their children receive the best start possible.
While some companies offer short-term disability or maternity leave for biological parents, adoptive parents often face tough choices between their child’s well-being and their job responsibilities. Employers that provide paid adoption leave show they care about their employees’ mental and emotional health as well as their families, Nicole notes. “Happy and healthy employees are the most productive,” she adds, emphasizing that offering parental leave benefits employers too.
Ultimately, the choice to provide paid adoption leave often comes down to financial considerations. However, if employers genuinely wish to demonstrate their commitment to their employees, they must extend that care to the entire family, including the newest member.
In conclusion, offering paid parental leave to adoptive parents is not merely a matter of fairness; it is essential to support healthy family dynamics, facilitate bonding, and ensure the well-being of both the child and the parents. For more advice on related topics, consider exploring resources like this article on fertility supplements or this guide on treating infertility.
Keyphrase: Paid parental leave for adoptive parents
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